alvindavis99

CIP School in the Phils.

WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT HAHAHAHA

on July 25, 2012

Come to the Philippine and Learn “ENGLISH”

 

Teacher “ALVIN”

 

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This movie starts the way all movies should… with a

cartoon.  It’s not a Disney or a Warner’s.  It’s not a

Fleischer, an MGM, or a Lanz.  This is a less

FADE IN:

ON A “MAROON CARTOON

Accompanied by zany CARTOON MUSIC, the TITLE CARD reads:

MAROON CARTOONS PRESENT

BABY HERMAN AND ROGER RABBIT

IN

“THE BUNNYSITTER”

Below are two cameos of the cartoon’s stars.  One picture is

of a cherubic baby in a bonnet innocently posed with his

thumb in his mouth.  The other is of a paunchy rabbit with a

gap between his front teeth.  He has a loveable, if slightly

shell-shocked look.  The cartoon begins…

BABY HERMAN AND ROGER RABBIT

are in a playpen when TWO FEMALE LEGS in high heels walk INTO

FRAME.  The VOICE belonging to the legs talks down to Baby

Herman in a maternal coo.

VOICE (O.S.)

Mommy’s going to the beauty parlor,

darling.  But I’m leaving you with your

favorite friend, Roger.  He’s going to

take very, very good care of you…

(voice turns

ominous)

… cause if he doesn’t, he’s going

back to the science lab!

Roger gulps as he watches the legs disappear.  We HEAR

FOOTSTEPS recede and a DOOR SLAM.  Roger turns confidently

back to his charge.  But the little tyke is already squeezing

through the playpen bars.

BABY HERMAN

Baby bye-bye…

Roger makes a dive for him, misses, and gets his head stuck

between the bars.  He pleads with the Baby in a voice that

resonates of Huntz Hall in “The Bowery Boys“.

ROGER RABBIT

Hey, come back!  You heard what your

mother said!

BABY HERMAN

ignores Roger.  We FOLLOW HIM as he crawls into the kitchen.

He stops to regard something that has caught his attention…

a cookie jar.  It’s sitting on top of the refrigerator.

BABY HERMAN

Coo-kie.

ROGER

wearing the playpen like a pillory, comes running toward the

kitchen.  But the playpen is too wide to clear the door.  The

impact SHATTERING the playpen and sends Roger sprawling

across the kitchen floor.  When he looks up…

BABY HERMAN

is swinging precariously on the door of the freeer.

ROGER RABBIT

Hang on, Baby.  I’ll save you!

Roger makes a desperate leap across the kitchen for the kid.

But Baby Herman swings the door to the freezer open and Roger

disappears inside.  Baby Herman grabs a cookie and swings

back, shutting the door.  He climbs down and crawls out of

the kitchen.  After a beat, the freezer door opens.

ROGER

now shaped like a block of ice, falls out and hits the floor.

The block SHATTERS into ice cubes.  Roger looks around,

dazed.

BABY HERMAN

has taken this opportunity to crawl out the window.  Roger

races to the window.  His eyes pop out of his head at what he

sees.

ROGER’S POV

Baby Herman is crawling along the sidewalk under the shadow

of a safe being hoisted into a second floor window by the

Acme Safe Moving Company.  The rope holding the safe is

fraying down to a slender thread.

ROGER

gasps and rockets out the window toward Baby Herman.  The

rope snaps.  The safe falls.  Roger arrives just in time to

pluck the Baby out of harm’s way.  But not in time to save

himself.  The safe CRUNCHES down on his head, burying Roger

into the sidewalk.  After a beat, Roger’s hand appears and

spins the tumbler.  The safe door opens.  Inside, we see the

dazed rabbit with little TWEETING BIRDS circling his head.

VOICE (O.S.)

Cut, cut, cut!

The cartoon action stops abruptly, but the goofy CARTOON

MUSIC PLAYS ON.  We begin a slow PULL BACK TO REVEAL that

this cartoon is being filmed LIVE ON A SOUND STAGE.  The

title card sits on an easle.  The female legs are paper

mache’ props manipulated by two HUMAN CREW MEMBERS.  Wearily,

they lean the legs up against the stage wall.  A human

DIRECTOR, wearing a tweed jacket and baggy pleated pants,

steps onto the set.  From the equipment and the dress of the

crew, we can tell it’s the 1940’s.  Baby Herman throws his

cookie down in disgust.  He talks in a gravelly voice an

octave lower than Wallace Beery‘s.

BABY HERMAN

What the hell was wrong with that

take??

DIRECTOR

Nothin’ with you, Baby Herman.  It’s on

Roger… again!

(over shoulder)

Hey!  Could we lose the playback?

The MUSIC suddenly STOPS as, off to the side, the SOUNDMAN

lifts the needle off a phonograph record.  The Director leans

over Roger and angrily plucks one of the birds circling his

head.

DIRECTOR

(continuing)

What’s this, Roger?

ROGER RABBIT

(sheepish)

A tweeting bird?

DIRECTOR

That’s right, a tweeting bird.  But

what does the script say?  ‘Rabbit gets

conked.  Rabbit sees stars!’  Not

birds, stars!

BABY HERMAN

Aw, for cryin’ out loud, Roger!  I’ll

be in my trailer… takin’ a nap!

Baby Herman pulls himself up to his full height of two feet

and walks off the set.  He chooses a route that takes him

under the dress of the SCRIPT GIRL.  She jumps as if goosed.

Now two CREW MEMBERS lift the safe off Roger.

ROGER RABBIT

Please, Raoul.  I can give you stars,

I know I can.  Just drop the safe on my

head one more time.

DIRECTOR

I’ve already dropped it on you

twenty-three times.

ROGER RABBIT

Don’t worry about me.  I can take it.

DIRECTOR

I’m not worried about you.  I’m worried

about the safe.

CONTINUED PULLBACK.

What we’ve been seeing has been from the POV of a MAN in a

shiny brown suit standing unobtrusively at the back of the

sound stage.  Under a beat-up fedora is a craggy face that’s

seen a lot in its life… but apparently didn’t think much of

it was funny.  EDDIE VALIANT takes a jolt from a pint of

whiskey, evidently in reaction to what he’s seen.  He opens

his coat and returns the pint bottle to a shoulder holster

which had formerly held a .38.  Nerves steadied, he walks out

the stage door.

EXT. MAROON STUDIO – DAY

Valiant emerges from the stage onto a bustling Hollywood

studio lot where CARTOON CHARACTERS (TOONS) and humans are

comingling as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Valiant stops by an Acme Novelty truck which is unloading

Toon props.  There are bombs, rockets, flattened pocket

watches, anvils, giant slingshots, etcetera.  The license

plate is California 1946.  He fishes out a pack of

Chesterfields and taps out a half a butt that had been

stubbed out.  As he lights it, Valiant regards a chubby,

balding man wearing a three-piece suit and a worried

expression coming towards him.  He is R.K. MAROON, studio

boss.  Maroon is leading an entourage of ASSISTANTS trying to

keep up.

MAROON

Starting tomorrow there’ll be no more

roast beef lunches.  What happened to

cheese sandwiches?  I was raised on

cheese sandwiches.

As the Assistants dutifully record his thoughts, Maroon sees

a GUY taking a nap in the shade of a palm tree.

MAROON

(continuing)

And tell that guy sleepin’ over there

he’s fired!

ASSISTANT

It’s your wife’s brother, R.K.

MAROON

(reconsiders)

Oh… tell him he’s promoted.  But get

him out of my sight.

As the Assistants disperse, Maroon approaches Valiant.

MAROON

Valiant, did you see the rabbit?

VALIANT

He was blowin’ his lines, all right.

So what?

MAROON

So what?  He’s already put me three

weeks behind on the shooting schedule!

Now an EDITH HEAD-TYPE hustles up to show Maroon several

costume designs.

COSTUMER

Your reaction, R.K.?

Maroon quickly checks out the drawing.

MAROON

No!  That’s not funny.

She flips another drawing.

MAROON

(continuing)

That’s funny.  Put a homburg on him

it’ll even be funnier.  Huh, Valiant?

He grabs the pad and shows Valiant.  The rendering is of a

hippo in a pink polka-dot tu-tu.

VALIANT

(deadpan)

Yeah, that’d be a riot.

Maroon responds to Valiant’s sarcasm with raised eyebrows.

MAROON

Boy, I hope what you have ain’t

contagious or I’ll be out of business.

He hands the pad back to the designer, who departs.

MAROON

(continuing)

How much do you know about show

business, Valiant?

VALIANT

Only there’s no business like it, no

business I know.

Valiant watches an ALLIGATOR in a rebel uniform dragging a

brace of cannons and several TOADSTOOLS parade by.

MAROON

Yeah, and there’s no business as

expensive.  I’m twenty-five grand over

budget on the latest Bunnysitter

cartoon and it’s all because that

rabbit can’t keep his mind on his work.

And you know why?

VALIANT

One too many safes dropped on his head?

MAROON

Nah, that goes with the territory.

He’s a stunt bunny.

Maroon takes a copy of the “Hollywood Tattler” out of his

pocket.

MAROON

(continuing)

Here’s the problem…

(reads)

“Seen cooing over calamari with

notsonew Sugar Daddy was Jessica

Rabbit… wife of Maroon star, Roger”.

(looks up)

His wife’s a tramp, but he thinks she’s

Betty Crocker.  The doubt’s eatin’ him

up.

VALIANT

So what do you want me to do?

MAROON

Get me a couple juicy pictures.

Somethin’ I can wise the rabbit up

with.

VALIANT

I don’t work in Toontown.

MAROON

You don’t have to.  The rabbit’s wife

sings at an underground Toon revue

joint called The Ink & Paint Club.  You

can catch her in action there.

VALIANT

The job’s gonna cost you a hundred

bucks.

MAROON

A hundred bucks?  That’s ridiculous.

VALIANT

So’s the job.

Valiant starts to walk away.

MAROON

All right, all right… You got your

hundred bucks.

Maroon turns, snaps his fingers.  His Assistant appears out

of nowhere with Maroon’s checkbook and a pen.  The Assistant

turns and stoops so that Maroon can write the check on his

back.

MAROON

(continuing)

Fifty now, fifty when you deliver the

pictures.

Maroon tears the check off and hands it to Valiant.  Suddenly

Valiant ducks in reflex to a large shadow that passes

overhead.

MAROON

(continuing;

chuckles)

Kinda jumpy aren’t you, Valiant?  It’s

just Dumbo.

ABOVE THEIR HEADS – DUMBO

swoops back and forth, then hovers, ears flapping like a

hummingbird.

MAROON

I got him on loan from Disney.

VALIANT

Aren’t you the lucky one…

Valiant grabs the check from Maroon and starts for the gate.

MAROON

When will I hear from you?

VALIANT

As soon as is humanly possible.

We FOLLOW Valiant out the gate under a wrought iron sign that

reads “Maroon Cartoon Studios”.  As he starts across the road

he’s almost run over by a Toon roadster that ROARS out of the

gates.  When it BLASTS ITS HORN, it’s the FIRST FIVE NOTES

from the WOODY WOODPECKER SONG:  “HA-HA-HA-HA-HA”.  Valiant

jumps back as the roadster passes.  WOODY THE WOODPECKER’S

behind the wheel with a self-important smile on his face.

Valiant angrily waves the cloud of Toon dust away.

VALIANT

(coughs)

Damn Toons.

ACROSS THE STREET – A TROLLEY CAR

is slowing to a stop in front of the studio.  It’s a Pacific

and Electric “Red Car”, part of a vast system of electric

trollies that once criss-crossed the L.A. Basin.  Valiant

steps onto the “Red Car”.  He reaches into his pocket to give

the CONDUCTOR his nickel fare.  But he comes up with a

handful of lint.  He holds out the check.

CONDUCTOR

What do I look like, a bank?

The Conductor jerks his thumb toward the door.  Valiant

suffers the public humiliation,of having to step down past

the rest of the boarding passengers.  He walks around to the

back of the Red Car where a gang of TEN-YEAR-OLDS are

loitering.  When the BELL SOUNDS and the Red Car starts to

pull away, the Kids make a dash for a place on the cow

catcher.  Valiant joins them.  We HOLD as the Red Car moves

away and the street urchins regard their older partner in

crime with curiosity.

DISSOLVE TO:

A BILLBOARD SIGN

It reads:  “L.A.’s Pacific and Electric Red Car — America’s

Finest Public Transportation System”.  PAN DOWN to see that

the sign is on the roof of the trolley terminal.  Red Cars

are going in and out of the shed.  MOVE IN on one car

approaching the terminal from down the street.  As it passes

by…

VALIANT

hops off his freeloader’s seat on the back,

KID

So long, mister.

Valiant waves laconically.

VALIANT

Thanks for the cigarettes.

We FOLLOW Valiant as he crosses the street to a seedy

bungalow.  A note is push-pinned to the door.

CLOSE – NOTE

It says:  “Tomorrow’s Friday… Well?  Dolores”.

VALIANT

takes the note and walks back across the street toward the

terminal.  He climbs up a flight of stairs, heading for a bar

on the mezzanine.  The bar sports a red neon sign that used

to blink, “The Terminal Station Bar”.  But now it just says,

“Terminal”.

INT. TERMINAL BAR – DAY

The place must have been pretty swanky at the turn of the

century when it was built in the first burst of enthusiasm

over the new public transportation system.  It’s in the motif

of a trolley car.  There’s a large map on the wail above the

bar showing all the different lines.  Behind the bar is

DOLORES.  If you scraped off all the makeup, you’d find an

attractive woman in her late thirties.  She ministers to a

rag-tag assortment of Hollywood low-lifes — who are truly at

the end of the line.

VALIANT

enters this den, lets his eyes adjust for a moment, then

bellies up to the bar.  He finds a spot between a ONE-ARMED

BLACK SOLDIER and a MIDGET stretched out on the bar passed

out.  Now a TROLLEY RUMBLES underneath them.  The bar starts

to shake like an earthquake, the lights flicker.  All the

drinkers, observing a time honored ritual, lift their glasses

simultaneously to avoid spilling any drops.  Even the Midget

lifts his head until the trolley has passed.  Valiant reaches

over the bar and blind-grabs a bottle of rye he obviously

knows is there.  He pours himself a shot.

VALIANT

Hey, fellas, what’s the good word?

SOLDIER

Lost my job.

An ARTHRITIC COWBOY pipes up.

COWBOY

Mule died.

A DEAF-MUTE scribbles a note on a pad hanging around his

neck.  He hands the note to Valiant.  It says “My girl dumped

me”.  Valiant pats him on the back, consoling.

VALIANT

Well, you know what they say about

dames, Augie…

Then Valiant mouths the rest of it for Augie’s benefit only.

Augie reads his lips, then starts to roar silently, slapping

his thigh.  Now Dolores makes her way down the bar.  She

grabs the Midget by the suspenders and slides him out of the

way.

DOLORES

So, makin’ dame jokes, huh, Eddie?

Well, lemme remind ya pal, it was a

dame who took a hundred bucks out of

the till so your landlord would’t

throw you out of your dump.  And it was

a dame who trusted you for the money

when no one else in town would.  And

it’s a dame who’s tired of waitin’ for

you to straighten yourself out and get

a job!

VALIANT

Would this be the same dame who’s going

to feel awfully foolish when she finds

out I’ve got her money.

Valiant slides the check across the bar.  Dolores studies it.

She calms down a little.

DOLORES

This is fifty bucks.  I need

seventy-five before they check the

books tomorrow.

VALIANT

You’ll have it in the morning.  Now be

a sport and lemme have twenty bucks to

put in my pocket.

DOLORES

Is this paper even good?

VALIANT

Check the scrawl.

DOLORES

(reads)

R.K. Maroon.

Now ANGELO, a Neanderthal sitting a few stools down, is

tapping the shell of a hardboiled egg.

ANGELO

Maroon?  Valiant, don’t tell me you’re

workin’ for a Toon?  Who’s your client?

Chilly Willy or Screwy Squirrel?

Angelo chuckles at his own joke and goes to eat his egg.

Suddenly Valiant darkens.  He grabs Angelo by the shirt and

pulls him up to his face.

VALIANT

Get this straight, greaseball.  I’m not

workin’ for a Toon!  I’d never work for

a Toon!  Got that?

Valiant jams the whole egg into Angelo’s mouth, turns and

storms out the door.  Angelo sputters and spits out the egg.

ANGELO

What’s his problem?

DOLORES

Toon killed his brother.

EXT. INK & PAINT CLUB – NIGHT

Valiant knocks on the door of, a non-descript building in a

run-down factory area.  A speakeasy style peephole slides

open REVEALING the face of a TOON GORILLA.  Valiant offers

the password.

VALIANT

Walt sent me.

The peephole slides closed and after a beat the door swings

open.

INT. CLUB

The Gorilla, dressed in a tux, gives Valiant the once over.

Valiant resents the assessment.

VALIANT

Like your monkey suit.

GORILLA

Wise ass…

We FOLLOW Valiant down the hall toward the main room.  We can

HEAR LAUGHTER and ZANY MUSIC from within.

INT. MAIN ROOM

When Valiant steps through the doorway, we see the place is

no dive.  It’s a white tablecloth nightclub on a par with the

El Morroco or the Garden of Allah.  Behind the bar A

CATERPILLAR BARTENDER is using his many arms to shake and

pour several drinks at once.  Meanwhile a dozen PENGUIN

WAITERS are gliding back and forth along the tables serving

drinks to the well-heeled crowd.

ON STAGE

DONALD DUCK and DAFFY DUCK are seated opposite each other at

matching grand pianos.  What begins as a decorous Duck duet

on a Tchaikovsky piece (complete with knuckle-cracking,

seat-spinning preparations) quickly accelerates to a loony

game of one-upsmanship between these two irascible Ducks.

There is keyboard stomping, lid-banging, piano wire plucking

zaniness.

THE AUDIENCE

is HOWLING.  People are wiping the tears from their eyes

they’re laughing so hard.  All except…

VALIANT

He lights a cigarette impassively, not humored by the Toon

hijinx.  He spots an empty table off to the side and makes

his way towards it.  A SILLY GEEZER in a loud suit is at the

next table.  The Geezer nods to him soberly as Valiant pulls

Out the chair and sits down.  A LOUD FLATULENCE SOUND erupts

from under Valiant.  The Geezer slaps his thigh with the

hilarity of it all.

GEEZER

Will you listen to that?  It’s a pip!

I’m thinking of callin’ it a Whoopee

Cushion.

Valiant reaches under himself and comes up holding a deflated

rubber bladder.  The Geezer retrieves it from him.

GEEZER

(continuing)

No hard feelings, I hope.  Put ‘er

there…

The Geezer grabs Valiant’s hand before he can say no.  We

HEAR A BUZZ.  Valiant retracts his hand as if shocked.  The

Geezer howls with laughter and turns his palm to Eddie.

GEEZER

(continuing)

Hand buzzer… real gasser.

Valiant rolls his eyes and grabs a Penguin as it glides by.

VALIANT

Scotch.

PENGUIN

There’s a two drink minimum.

VALIANT

Just as long as there’s no maximum.

GEEZER

Waiter, I’ll sign my check now.

The Penguin puts a bill down on the Geezer’s table and zips

off.  The Geezer takes a fountain pen out of his jacket and

writes on the bill.  But there doesn’t seem to be any ink

coming out.  He shakes and shakes the pen to get it flowing.

It flows all right.  Ink splatters all over Valiant’s shirt

and pants.  Valiant looks down at the stain, doing a slow

burn.  The Geezer starts laughing.  Valiant jumps up and

grabs him by the lapels.

VALIANT

That’s it for you, pops!

GEEZER

(freaked)

Calm down, son.  Look, the ink is gone.

Valiant looks down at his shirt.  The stain is gone.

GEEZER

(continuing)

See?  It disappears.

VALIANT

Well, why don’t you make like the ink?

Valiant drops him into his chair and returns to his seat.

The Penguin glides up with his drinks.  Valiant swallows the

first one with one quick jerk of the head.

ON STAGE

Donald and Daffy’s PIANO COMPETITION has reached a CRESCENDO

of mayhem.  They’ve got the axes out, and in time with the

MUSIC they reduce their pianos to matchsticks.  At the

completion of the piece, they step to the front of the stage

and with great decorum, arms around each other, they take

their bows.  The curtain comes down to GREAT APPLAUSE.  We

HEAR SFX of CRASHING AND BASHING backstage.  Now from behind

Valiant, we HEAR a familiar high-pitched VOICE.

CIGARETTE GIRL

Cigars… cigarettes… Eddie?

Valiant turns to see BETTY BOOP standing with a box of

tobacco wares strapped around her neck.  In contrast to all

the other Toons, Betty’s in black and white.

BETTY BOOP

(continuing)

Gee, it’s swell to see you, Eddie.  We

miss you in Toontown.

VALIANT

Wish I could say the same.  What’re you

doin’ here, Betty?

BETTY BOOP

Work’s been slow for me since the

cartoons went to color.  But I still

got it, Eddie…

(sings)

‘Boop boop be-doop’.

VALIANT

Yeah, you still got it, Betty.

(indicates

Geezer)

Who’s Mr. Jocularity?

BETTY BOOP

(leans in)

That’s Marvin Acme, the gag king.

VALIANT

Shoulda guessed.

BETTY BOOP

He comes here every night to see

Jessica Rabbit.

VALIANT

Big on the musical comedy, huh?

BETTY BOOP

Sounds like you ve never seen her,

Eddie.

Now the lights dim and Betty moves on.

ON STAGE

the dour DROOPY walks out with the spotlight following him.

He’s the evening’s emcee.

DROOPY

(deadpan)

Hello, everybody.  I hope you’re all

having as much fun as I am.  I have a

small announcement to make.  Jessica

Rabbit will not be able to sing

tonight.

There’s a ROAR OF DISAPPROVAL from the men in the crowd.

They shower him with debris.

DROOPY

(continuing;

deadpan)

I was merely jesting.  Without further

ado… here’s woman times two,

Toontown’s own chanteuse par

excellance… Jessica Rabbit!

There is excited APPLAUSE as the lights dim. A TOON COMBO

made up of CROWS in shades STRIKES UP the intro to the smokey

song, “Why Don’t You Do Right”.  A spotlight hits the

curtain. Now a curvaceous leg pokes out, teasingly.  The

crowd goes wild as the rest of the body belonging to the leg

emerges.  JESSICA RABBIT is a generously endowed red-headed

bombshell.  She’s a humanoid Toon… in her case, more

beautiful than human.  Her figure is testimony to what a guy

can do with a pencil and a fertile imagination,

REACTION – VALIANT

This is not quite the bunny he expected Roger to be married

to.  His jaw drops.  And his reaction is mirrored all around

the room.  The men are panting so hard you couldn’t keep a

match lit.

CLOSEUP – JESSICA

as she steps to the mike.

JESSICA RABBIT

(sings)

‘You had plenty of money back

in ’22

You let other woman make a fool

of you

Why don’t you do right.

Like some other men do…

Get out of here and

Get me the money too…’

Jessica takes the mike and comes off the stage.  Slinkily.

she wanders among the tables, teasing the men as she goes.

Now there’s a HOWL from behind Valiant.  A Tex Avery type

TOON WOLF, who came masquerading as a human, couldn’t help

but show his true colors at the sight of Jessica.  He HOWLS

as if it were a full moon.  His tongue rolls out of his head

and piles up on the floor like so much clothesline.  His

eyeballs telescope out of his head.  And finally, the Wolf

levitates and snaps rigid like an open jacknife.  As the Wolf

makes a rush for the stage, the Gorilla Bouncer grabs him by

the suspenders.  The Wolf, legs spinning madly, practically

knocks Valiant’s table over as he grabs at Jessica.  But the

Wolf has come to the end of his suspenders.  He snaps back

toward the Gorilla who is holding an anvil in front of the

suspenders.  CLANG!  The Wolf hits the anvil and slides to

the floor.  The Gorilla calmly whisks him into a dustpan and

carries him out.

JESSICA

like all good saloon singers, has continued her act

undaunted.

JESSICA RABBIT

(singing)

‘Why don’t you do right.

Like some other men do…’

She sashays over to the Geezer’s table.  Teasingly, she

swirls the whisps of white hair onto his head into a Dairy

Queen.  He giggles gleefully and makes a grab at Jessica.

But she slips out of his grasp like mercury.

JESSICA RABBIT

(continuing)

‘You ain’t got no money

Ain’t got no use for you…’

Now Jessica works her way over to Eddie.  She stops at his

table and sings tauntingly.  Then with a flourish, she throws

herself in his lap, and belts out the finale.

JESSICA RABBIT

(continuing)

‘So get out of here…

And get me the money toooo!’

There is RAUCOUS APPLAUSE when she finishes.  Jessica looks

deep into Eddie’s eyes.

JESSICA RABBIT

(continuing)

Thanks for your lap.

Before Eddie can reply, she jumps off, and slinks offstage,

leaving Eddie a pile of human wreckage.  Valiant slugs the

rest of his drink down to put out the fire in his libido.

When the lights come up, Valiant looks over to where Acme is

slicking down his eyebrows and patting his hair down.  He

stands, picks up a bouquet of roses from the chair beside

him, and as he passes Valiant’s table, gives him a big wink.

Valiant watches Acme disappear backstage.  He stands, drops

a couple bucks on the table, and follows after him.

BACKSTAGE

Valiant steps past the curtain, keeping a discreet distance.

He follows Marvin Acme down a corridor and around the corner.

Acme stops and knocks on a dressing room door.  After a

moment, it opens and Acme goes inside.  Valiant checks over

his shoulder, but the backstage area is empty.  He eases over

to the door and puts his eye to the keyhole.

POV THROUGH KEYHOLE

Jessica is seated at her dressing table.  Acme is on his

knees next to her, kissing his way up her gloved hand, eyes

closed in ecstasy.  Jessica takes her hand out of the glove

and starts combing her hair, leaving Marvin kissing a

suspended Toon glove.

ANGLE ON VALIANT

while he continues his peeping.  The Gorilla bouncer sneaks

up behind him.

GORILLA

Hey, whaddaya think you’re doin’,

chump?

VALIANT

Who’re you callin’ chump, chimp?

The Gorilla smiles sadistically when he recognizes Valiant.

GORILLA

Oh, it’s da comedian…

The Gorilla grabs Valiant by the belt and lifts him off the

ground.  He opens the fire door and heaves Valiant out.

EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT

Valiant comes flying out the door and CRASHES into a bunch of

garbage cans in the alley.  The Gorilla stands in the doorvay

regarding the dazed Valiant.

GORILLA

And don’t lemme catch your peepin’ face

around here again.  Got it?

VALIANT

Ooga-booga.

The Gorilla slams the door.  Valiant picks himself up out of

the garbage.  He brushes himself off, then starts down the

alley toward the rear of the building.  We FOLLOW him around

the corner where he stops under Jessica’s dressing room

window.  He drags over a milk crate to stand on, takes a

small camera out of his pocket and opens the bellows.  He

stands on the crate and aims the camera through the corner of

the window, as we HEAR the MUFFLED CONVERSATION from within.

ACME (O.S.)

Are we going to play pattycake tonight?

JESSICA RABBIT (0.5.)

Marvin, I have a headache…

ACME (O.S.)

(hurt)

But you promised…

JESSICA RABBIT (O.S.)

Oh, all right.  But this time take that

hand buzzer off…

Valiant’s eyes widen in disgust.

VALIANT

Jesus Christ

As he starts CLICKING pictures…

CUT TO:

EXT. MAROON STUDIO – LATE NIGHT

There’s one light on in the Administration building.

INT. MAROON’S OFFICE – NIGHT

It’s a large art deco office with walls covered with photos

of Maroon and various celebrities, human and Toon.  R.K.

Maroon is seated behind his desk.  Standing nearby is

Valiant.  They are both regarding a hysterical Roger Rabbit,

who’s holding a set of 8 x lO glossies.  He’s WAILING and

CRYING, Toon tears flooding off him in a torrent.

ROGER RABBIT

Pattycake!  Pattycake!

VALIANT

Baker’s man… but no use ruinin’ a

good pair of shoes over it.

ANGLE ON RUG

Roger’s tears have formed a puddle around the desk.  Valiant

lifts a well-worn oxford and shakes the water off it.

MAROON

hands Roger his handkerchief.  Roger AAH-OO-GA’S his nose.

MAROON

Take comfort, son, you’re not the first

man whose wife played pattycake on him.

ROGER RABBIT

I don’t believe it.  I won’t believe

it.

MAROON

The pictures don’t lie.  Mr. Valiant

here took them himself.

Roger takes another look at the pictures.

CLOSE – PHOTOS

They’re shots of Jessica Rabbit and Marvin Acme seated knee

to knee, caught in the act of slapping palms… really

playing pattycake.

BACK TO SCENE

Maroon gets up and crosses to a bar table set up by the

window.  He pours a drink from a crystal decanter as Roger

starts sobbing again.

ROGER RABBIT

But Jessy… she’s the light of my

life, the apple of my eye, the cream in

my coffee…

Valiant eyes the booze longingly as he mutters to himself.

VALIANT

Well, you better start thinkin’ about

drinkin’ it black.

MAROON

Frankly, I’m shocked.  Marvin Acme’s

been my friend and neighbor for thirty

years.

Maroon gestures out the window.  We see a blinking neon sign

on the roof of the building across the street — “Acme – If

It’s Acme – It’s A Gasser!”

MAROON

(continuing)

Who would have thought he was the Sugar

Daddy?

Maroon turns and carries the drink to Roger.  Meanwhile,

Valiant sidles over to the bar to help himself.

MAROON

(continuing)

Well, the important thing now Roger, is

to put all this behind you.

(hands him

drink)

Drink this, son, you’ll feel better.

Roger takes the glass and shoots it down in one gulp.

MAROON

(continuing)

I know this all seems painful now, but

you’ll find someone new.  Won’t he, Mr,

Valiant?

Eddie has just picked up the decanter to pour one for

himself.

VALIANT

(over shoulder)

Oh, yeah.  Good lookin’ guy like him.

Dames’ll be breakin’ his door down.

CLOSE – ROGER

The booze is taking its effect.  There’s a RUMBLE like a

volcano about to erupt.  Suddenly Roger’s head turns into a

Toon steam whistle SHRIEKING.  The HIGH PITCH causes glass

objects in the room to SHATTER… including the crystal

decanter that Valiant’s holding in his hand.  It EXPLODES,

soaking his suit with booze.  Valiant looks down at the

damage, completely exasperated.

VALIANT

Son-of-a-bitch…

(turns)

Mr. Maroon, I think I’ll be goin’ now,

so about the rest of my fee…

MAROON

Sure, Valiant, sure…

Maroon sits at the desk and writes a check.

MAROON

Being experienced in these matrimonial

matters, you have any advice for our

friend here?

Valiant crosses to the desk and takes the check.

VALIANT

My advice?  Hop on over to Reno, get

yourself a quickie divorce.

ROGER RABBIT

Divorce?  Never!

Suddenly Roger jumps onto Maroon’s desk and grabs Valiant by

the lapels.

ROGER RABBIT

Marriage is a two-way street and we’re

just experiencing a detour!  Jessica

and I are going to get back together.

We’re going to be happy!   H-A-P-P-I!

Roger zips off the desk and CRASHES out the window, leaving a

rabbit outline in the glass… backlit by the blinking Acme

sign.  Maroon and Valiant walk to the window and look out the

rabbit-shaped hole in the window.

VALIANT

At least he took it well.

INT. VALIANT’S BUNGALOW – CLOSE – EMPTY BOOZE BOTTLE – EARLY

MORNING

PULL BACK TO REVEAL the bottle’s on the floor next to the

couch Valiant’s passed out on.  He’s still dressed in his

clothes.  PAN the small studio apartment.  In the

kitchen/alcove, Valiant has created a makeshift darkroom.  We

see a curtain on a clothesline.  Various trays, and some

pictures clipped up on clothespins.  The pictures depict

Jessica Rabbit and Marvin Acme in various states of

pattycake.  Now there is LOUD POUNDING on the door.  But it

doesn’t break through VaLiant’s subconscious for several

seconds.  Finally, he rouses, gets up and walks a crooked

line to the door.  Valiant opens it and squints into the

excruciating sunlight.  When his eyes focus, REVEAL a

hang-dog POLICE DETECTIVE holding Eddie’s morning paper.

VALIANT

Lieutenant Santino… how ya doin’?

Santino ignores the question and regards Valiant with a

mixture of disgust and pity.

LT. SANTINO

Tell me you didn’t do a snoop job for

a Toon named Roger the Rabbit.

VALIANT

That’s what you woke me up for?

Santino flops open the morning paper.  Valiant’s eyes narrow

as he reads it.  The headline screams:  “TOON KILLS MAN!” And

underneath:  “Marvin Acme Murdered at the Hands of Jealous

Rabbit”.  Santino throws the paper on the sofa.

LT. SANTINO

You got trouble, Eddie.

EXT. ACME FACTORY – DAY

An L.A. police car turns into the yard of the Acme factory

and pulls up in front of the old factory building.  There’s

all kinds of official activity in the yard… cop cars, a

Coroner’s truck, etcetera.

Valiant and Santino get out of the police car.  Santino

starts into the factory.  But he realizes Valiant’s not

following him.  He turns to see Valiant looking over the wall

behind the factory, transfixed.

LT. SANTINO

Now what?

VALIANT

Just haven’t been this close to

Toontown for awhile.

VALIANT’S POV

The sky above the wall is a different color, a little bit

more vibrant, a “Toon Blue”, you might call it.

SANTINO

walks back and takes Valiant’s arm.

LT. SANTINO

Let’s go, somebody wants to see you.

Santino leads Valiant into the factory.

INT. FACTORY – DAY

It’s a large warehouse filled with stacks of Toon gags,..

boxes of dynamite, giant slingshots, boulders, everything

you’ve ever seen in a Roadrunner cartoon.  Santino stops

where a large black safe is imbedded at a cockeyed angle in

the floor.  A FORENSIC TEAM is at work around the safe.

They’re chalking the outline around a body half obscured by

the safe.

LT. SANTINO

They say the rabbit got the safe idea

from a cartoon he was makin’ the other

day.

VALIANT

What a gasser.

LT. SANTINO

Wait here…

Santino walks to Acme’s glassed office where a sobbing

Jessica Rabbit is being interrogated.  We can only see her,

not the person doing the interrogating.  Valiant sidles over

to where the Forensic Guys are dusting the photographs he had

taken for prints.  One of the Forensic Guys looks up from his

work.

FORENSIC #1

Say, didn’t you used to be Eddie

Valiant?

Valiant ignores the slings and arrows and surveys the scene

of the crime.  The door of the safe is ajar.  Valiant tries

to look inside.  Forensic #2 closes the door with his knee.

Now we HEAR the VOICE of Jessica Rabbit from behind them.

JESSICA RABBIT

Mr. Valiant?

Valiant turns to the voice.  WHAP!  Jessica slaps him hard

enough across the face to make his head turn.

JESSICA RABBIT

(continuing)

I hope you’re proud of yourself.

She turns on her heel and storms off, sobbing into a

handkerchief.  Valiant, rubbing his jaw, looks after her.  So

do the Forensic Guys.

FORENSIC #1

She likes you, Valiant.

FORENSIC #2

(low wolf

whistle)

When they drew her, they broke the

pencil.

Now two WHITE-JACKETS from the Coroner’s office start to

carry Acme out on a stretcher.  As they pass Valiant, a hand

still wearing a Hand Buzzer flops out.  Valiant grabs it —

stopping the stretcher.

VALIANT

Makes you wonder what in the world she

was doin’ with a guy who didn’t clean

his fingernails.

CLOSE – HAND

Imbedded under the fingernails is a reddish-brown substance.

FORENSIC #1

So… it’s blood.

VALIANT

peels a piece of it off… it chips and falls to the ground.

He squats to examine it.

VALIANT

It’s not blood, it’s paint.

Suddenly the end of a cane comes down on Valiant’s hand,

pinning it to the floor.  Valiant follows the cane UP to it’s

gavel-shaped head — past black pants, a black robe, to a

cadaver-like complected face, and a large hooked proboscis.

The head is shaved.  Rimless tinted glasses obscure the eyes.

Although he’s human, the total appearance is frighteningly

vulture-like.  JUDGE DOOM is accompanied by Santino.

DOOM

Is this man removing evidence from the

scene of a crime?

LT. SANTINO

(deferential)

Uh… no, Judge Doom.  Valiant here was

just about to hand it over, weren’t

you, Valiant?

DOOM

I’ll take that.

Doom takes his cane off Eddie’s hand and reaches out for the

paint chip.  Valiant palms a piece and drops a smaller piece

into Doom’s hand.  Doom examines it.

DOOM

(continuing)

Looks like the deceased grabbed a

handful of your client’s pantaloons,

Mr. Valiant.

Valiant stands to face the Judge, who towers over him.

VALIANT

He’s not my client.  I was workin’ for

R.K. Maroon.

DOOM

Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon.  He told

us the rabbit became quite agitated

when you showed him the pictures, and

said nothing would stand in the way of

him getting his wife back.  Is that

true?

VALIANT

Hey, pal, do I look like a

stenographer?

LT. SANTINO

Watch your mouth, Eddie, he’s a judge.

Doom smiles thinly at Valiant, tarns and walks with purpose

towards the door.  Santino and Valiant follow.

DOOM

The rabbit’s movements are fairly clear

after leaving the Maroon Studios.  He

ran across the street, jimmied this

door open, hoisted the safe on a block

and tackle…

EXT. ACME FACTORY

Doom leads them outside and indicates a window.

DOOM

… then stood out here waiting for his

prey.  After he cold-bloodedly

accomplished his task, he went home.

He was almost apprehended there by my

men.

Doom nods his head toward a group of sinister WEASLES (a la

Disney’s “Wind In The Willows”).  They’re loitering by a

dogcatcher’s wagon with “Toontown Control” on the side,

cleaning their fingernails with switchblades and polishing

Toon revolvers.

VALIANT

Men?  They look more like weasles to

me.

DOOM

Yes, I find that weasles have a special

gift for the work.

(turns back to

Valiant)

The rabbit didn’t contact you by any

chance, did he?

VALIANT

Why would he contact me?  I just took

some lousy pictures.

DOOM

So you wouldn’t have any idea where he

might be?

VALIANT

Have you tried Walla Walla?  Kokomo’s

very nice this time of year.

Doom steps into Valiant’s face.

DOOM

I’m surprised you aren’t more

cooperative, Mr. Valiant.  A human has

been murdered by a Toon.  Don’t you

appreciate the magnitude of that?  My

goal as Judge of Toontown, has been to

rein in the insanity.  To bring a

semblance of law and order to a place

where no civilized person has ever been

able to step foot.

The only way to do that is to make the

Toons respect the law.

Suddenly a “YA-HA-HOOEY” interrupts his pontification, as a

scruffy little TOON GOPHER comes hurtling over the wall from

the Toontown side.  He’s holding his blackened rear end…

apparently the result of a run-in with a stick of dynamite.

BONK!  The Gopher hits Doom in the back of the head, sending

them both sprawling.  The Gopher picks himself up and shakes

off the effects of the concusion.  When he sees who he’s

knocked down, he panics.

GOPHER

(petrified)

Judge Doom!  Here, let me get that for

ya.

He whips a clothes brush out of his back pocket and furiously

tries to clean the Judge’s cloak.  Doom picks up the Gopher

by the scruff of the neck and gets to his feet.

DOOM

Why, you filthy little vagrant, you’ve

soiled my robe!

GOPHER

It’s cleanin’ up real good. Judge.

DOOM

You’ve defiled a symbol of justice.

As Doom carries the Gopher to the “Toontown Control” wagon,

Valiant shoots a look to Santino.

VALIANT

(aside)

Where’d this gargoyle come from anyway?

LT. SANTINO

No one knows.  He bought the election

a few years back.  He’s been rulin’

Toontown ever since.

When Doom gets to the wagon, the Weasles open up the back.

In place of steel bars is a stream of fluid.  A Weasle turns

a key and the flow of liquid stops.  The Gopher starts

kicking furiously, trying to avoid the lock-up.

GOPHER

Oh, no, Judge, please, please, lemme

go.  I think I hear my mother callin’

me.

Finally, the Gopher breaks free and makes a desperate dash

for the wall.  Doom watches him run and calmly turns to where

his car is parked.  It’s a black Lincoln touring car with an

ugly bird-like hood ornament.

DOOM

Voltaire… the Gopher!

Suddenly. the hood ornament SQUAWKS to life.  It’s a hideous

TOON VULTURE.  The Vulture flaps into flight.

Just as the Gopher is about to make it over the top of the

wall the Vulture’s talons sink into his rear end and lift him

airborne.  The Vulture drops the Gopher off with the Weasles.

They pin him down.

GOPHER

Hey, don’t I have any rights?

DOOM

Yes, you do… to a swift and speedy

trial.

One of the Weasles retrieves a briefcase from the sedan, puts

it on the hood and snaps it open.  Twelve TOON KANGAROOS pop

up, arranged in a jury box.

DOOM

(continuing)

Court is now in session.

He raps the Gopher on the head with the gavel end of his

cane.

DOOM

(continuing)

The defendant is charged with vagrancy,

assault and resisting arrest.  How do

you find him?

The Kangaroo court delivers the verdict instantly. Twelve

LITTLE KANGAROOS pop up out of their Momma’s pouches, holding

up small cards, each with a letter spelling Y-O-U A-R-E

G-U-I-L-T-Y.

DOOM

(continuing)

Guilty as charged.  Case closed!

Doom slams the briefcase shut.  He turns his attention back

to the Gopher.

DOOM

(continuing)

I hereby sentence you to the dip!

GOPHER

Oh no, not the dip!  Anything but the

dip!  I’m too young to die…

As the Judge pulls on a black rubber glove, the Weasles take

out a stainless steel tub WHEEZING with sadistic glee.  They

fill it from a spigot on the truck.

VALIANT

What’s with the dip?

LT. SANTINO

That’s how he gets rid of the

troublemakers.  It’s a combination of

acetone, turpentine and paint remover.

He calls it the…  Final Solution.

THE GOPHER

is wriggling and SCREAMING bloody murder as Doom lifts him up

and holds him over the tub.  Then, as he’s lowered into the

solution, he starts to disappear. His pathetic SCREAMS are

snuffed MID-YELP.

GOPHER

Help!  Help!  He…

The Gopher’s gone.  All that’s left of him is a paint slick

on the surface of the liquid.

VALIANT

Jesus.

Doom pulls off the black rubber gloves finger by finger and

hands them to a Weasle.  He turns to Valiant.

DOOM

They’re not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant.

but that’s how we handle things in

Toontown.  I would think you’d

appreciate that.

He gets into his car, he pauses and looks back at Valiant.

DOOM

(continuing)

After all, didn’t a Toon kill your

brother?

INT. TERMINAL BAR – DAY

Dolores is behind the bar cutting lemon peels and preparing

for the day’s bartending.  There’s one early customer, a

grey-haired TROLLEYMAN in his Red Car uniform.  His hat’s on

the stool next to him and he’s already drunk.  The door

opens.  It’s Valiant.  He walks over to the bar, reaches for

a bottle and a shot glass and helps himself.  Dolores picks

up a copy of the morning paper.

DOLORES

Hey, Eddie, looks like you really

stepped in it this time.

VALIANT

What are you complaining about?  Here’s

your fifty bucks.

Valiant slides the check across the bar.

TROLLEYMAN

(mumbling to

himself)

Thirty-five years and all I got to show

for it is a ticket punch.

VALIANT

What’s with Earl?

DOLORES

A new outfit bought the Red Car.  Some

big company called Cloverleaf

Industries.

VALIANT

No kiddin’?  Bought the Red Cars, huh?

DOLORES

Bastards put him on notice.

Valiant picks up his glass. lifts it in toast to the

Trolleyman.

VALIANT

Here’s to the pencil pushers.  May they

all get lead poisoning.

Now the Trolleyman unsteadily climbs up on his stool to get

close to the Holy Grail… the Red Car route map over the

bar.

TROLLEYMAN

(wistfully)

The old Number Six Line… who’da

thought they’d close that one down?

DOLORES

Eddie, get him down from there.  He’s

gonna break his neck.

Eddie grabs Earl around the legs and throws him over his

shoulder like a sack of potatoes.  He carries him over to a

booth and puts him down carefully, covering him with a

tablecloth.

TROLLEYMAN

Took you right to Toontown, it did.

VALIANT

I know, I know… poor S.O.B.

Valiant walks back to his drink at the bar.

DOLORES

Do you think the rabbit did it?

VALIANT

I don’t wanna think.  I wanna drink.

VOICE (O.S.)

Make that a round.

Valiant and Dolores look down the bar, but there’s no one

there.  Finally the familiar cowlick of Baby Herman rises to

the top of the bar as he clambers up a barstool.

DOLORES

We don’t serve formula. Snookums.

BABY HERMAN

You serve martinis, doncha?

DOLORES

Yeah…

Baby Herman slides his baby bottle down the bar to Dolores.

BABY HERMAN

Make it dry.  Baby doesn’t like to be

wet.

(to Valiant)

You’re Valiant, right?  The name’s Baby

Herman.

VALIANT

I know who you are.  Kinda out of your

neighborhood, aren’t you?

BABY HERMAN

Yeah, I had to go slummin’.  See, a

friend of mine’s bein’ framed.

VALIANT

You mean the rabbit?  They got him

cold.

BABY HERMAN

You don’t believe that.  I mean. the

guy’s an idiot, a moron, a complete

fool…  but he’d never kill anyone.

I know the guy.

Dolores brings Baby Herman his baby bottle cocktail.

BABY HERMAN

(continuing)

Thanks, doll.

When Dolores turns around, Baby Herman pats her on the

bottom.

DOLORES

(over her

shoulder)

Oh, a ladies man, huh?

BABY HERMAN

(sotto voce; to

Valiant)

My problem is I got a fifty-year-old

lust and a three-year-old dinkie.

VALIANT

My problem is I come here to drink in

peace.  So if you don’t mind…

BABY HERMAN

C’mon, Valiant, doesn’t this whole

thing smell a bit funny to you?  I

mean, no offense, but how did a

mucky-muck like R.K. Maroon find you in

the first place?

DOLORES

(chiming in)

Yeah, Eddie, it’s not like you got an

ad in the Yellow Pages.

VALIANT

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

BABY HERMAN

And another thing, the paper said no

will was found.  But every Toon knows

Acme had a will and, in it he promised

to leave Toontown to the Toons.

VALIANT

So where is it then?

BABY HERMAN

Somebody took it from him.  That’s what

this whole thing’s about.

DOLORES

The papers said the safe door was

opened, Eddie.

VALIANT

Stick to stuffin’ the olives, willya,

Dolores?

BABY HERMAN

My hunch is it was Maroon.  He always

was after Acme’s property.

VALIANT

Yeah?  Does he wear pants this color?

Valiant takes the paint chip out of his pocket and dangles it

in front of Baby Herman.

BABY HERMAN

No.  But neither does Roger.  That’s

Diablo Red.  Roger’s pants are Sunrise

Orange.

DOLORES

Well, I’ll be…

BABY HERMAN

So what’s your next move, Valiant?

VALIANT

My next move?  That’s easy.  I’m

gettin’ up, and I’m walkin’ out the

door, and I’m goin’ home to bed.

Valiant stands.

DOLORES

So you’re not even gonna bother to find

out if the rabbit’s gettin’ framed?

VALIANT

He’s a Toon… who cares?

Baby Herman shakes his head sorrowfully.  As Valiant heads

for the door, Dolores whaps her towel down on the bar.

DOLORES

Well, you used to care, Eddie.  And it

didn t matter if a client’s skin was

black, white, or painted!

Valiant ignores her and walks out the door.

INT. VALIANT’S HOUSE – DAY

Eddie comes in the door with his coat over his shoulder.  He

tosses the jacket over the chair and walks to the Murphy bed.

He grabs the strap, and loosening his tie, walks away from

the wall, pulling the bed down.  What he doesn’t see is…

ROGER RABBIT

asleep in the bed.

VALIANT

still with his back to Roger, sits down exhaustedly on the

bed and kicks off his shoes.  He lies back and pulls the

covers over him.  He closes his eyes, rolls over to get

comfortable.  Now he and Roger are nose-to-nose.  They both

open their eyes at the same time.  They freak.

VALIANT

(screams)

Aah!

ROGER RABBIT

(screams)

Aah!

They both jump out of the bed.

VALIANT

What the hell are you doin’?

ROGER RABBIT

I needed a place to hide.  I’m in

trouble, Eddie.

VALIANT

So I hear.  Even talkin’ to you could

get me a rap for aiding and abetting.

ROGER RABBIT

Don’t worry, Eddie, no one knows I’m

here.

VALIANT

Oh, yeah?  Then how’d you find my

house?

ROGER RABBIT

Well, I asked the newsboy on the

corner.  He didn’t know.  Then I asked

a janitor, the fireman and finally the

green grocer down the way.  He was very

helpful.

VALIANT

In other words, the whole goddamn world

knows you’re here!  Out!  Get out!

Eddie tries to open the door, but Roger blocks it

spider-like, arms and legs extended.

ROGER RABBIT

Please, Eddie, don’t put me out.  I

didn’t do it, I swear.

Valiant gives up trying to open the door and grabs Roger.  He

pulls and he pulls.  Finally Roger snaps off like a broken

rubber band.  The two of them go tumbling backward.  Valiant

makes a grab for Roger but he slips out of his grasp like

quicksilver.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

Sure I wanted to win Jessy back, but

not that way.

Valiant lunges again.  Roger dodges.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

After I left you, I went to see her at

the Ink & Paint Club.

Valiant picks himself up and tries to catch his breath.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

She was on stage, so I found a piece of

paper and wrote her a love letter.

Roger pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and starts

reading.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

‘Dear Jessy.  How do I love thee?  Let

me count the ways.  1-1000, 2-1000,

3-1000…

Valiant leaps for Roger and gets bim by the throat.  He rips

the paper out of Roger’s hand and crumples it up and throws

it down.  He opens the door, throws Roger outside and quickly

slams the door shut.  He leans against it, breathing hard.

Suddenly, Roger comes through the mail slot like a limbo

dancer.  Valiant, too tired to chase him, just watches him.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

Hey, that wasn’t very nice.

He retrieves the love letter, straightens it and puts it back

in his pocket.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

It took me almost an hour to compose

that.  But I decided not to leave it

anyway.  I’d read it in person, that

was my plan.

Valiant crosses to the kitchen area where the dark room is

still set up.  He opens the cabinet under the sink and comes

out with a bottle of Scotch.  He takes a shot glass and pours

himself one.

VALIANT

Look, pal, if you’re still here when I

finish this drink, I’m callin’ the

police.

ROGER RABBIT

Don’t do that!  I’m innocent I tell ya.

The police’ll just dip me.  They were

waitin’ for me when I got home last

night.  I ran.

VALIANT

If you’re so innocent, why’d you run?

ROGER RABBIT

Gee, Eddie, I’m a rabbit.  We always

run.

Valiant shoots the drink down and holds up the empty glass.

VALIANT

That’s it.

He crosses to the phone on the counter.  He lifts the

receiver and starts to dial.

ROGER RABBIT

Well, this is the moment of truth!  And

I’ve spoken the truth, but you won’t

believe the truth.  So I guess the

truth is my goose is cooked, my hash is

slung. my fait is accompli.

As Valiant finishes dialing, he idly puts the empty shot

glass down on a photograph on the counter.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

Won’t anything change your mind?

Valiant turns from the pleading rabbit.  Now something he

sees on the counter gets his attention.

POV THROUGH SHOT GLASS

The shot glass is resting on one of the reject pictures of

Acme and Jessica.  The bottom of the glass is magnifying the

back of the exuberant Marvin Acme.  Sticking out of his back

pocket is a legal folder headed “Last Will and Testament”.

CLOSE – VALIANT

He looks as if the truth has just hit him in the face.

VALIANT

The goddamn will.

VOICE

(on phone)

L.A.P.D.?

Valiant slowly returns the phone to the cradle,

ROGER RABBIT

You mean you believe me?

Now outside we HEAR TIRES SCREECHING to a stop.  Roger runs

to the window and pulls back the drapes.  His eyes bug out of

his head.

ROGER RABBIT

It’s Toon Control!

Valiant comes to the window and looks out, too.

VALIANT’S POV

The Toon Control wagon has stopped in front of the house.

The Weasles pile out.  One of them takes what looks like a

butterfly net out of the back.  Several others grab violin

cases.

EDDIE AND ROGER

Valiant jerks Roger back behind the curtain.

VALIANT

Get away from that window.

Roger, elated, jumps into Valiant’s arms.

ROGER RABBIT

You’re gonna help me?  How can I ever

thank you?

He plants a big wet Toon kiss on Valiant’s lips.

VALIANT

For starters… don’t ever kiss me.

EXT. BUNGALOW

The Weasles are filing up the walk to the front door.  The

leader pounds on the front door.

WEASLE

Police…

INT. BUNGALOW

Valiant puts Roger down.

VALIANT

I’ll talk to ’em.  Find a place to

hide.

Roger zips to the closet door and goes inside.

VALIANT

(continuing)

Not in there.  That’s the first place

they’ll look.

Valiant goes to the closet and opens the door.  REVEAL Roger

is now dressed in Eddie’s trenchcoat and hat.  Playfully,

Roger snaps one of the handcuffs onto Eddie’s wrist.  He’s

got the Other attached to one of his wrists.

ROGER RABBIT

Eddie Valiant… you’re under arrest!

Just kidding…

VALIANT

You idiot.  I lost the key for those

cuffs.

BOOM!  BOOM!  BOOM!  The KNOCKING is more impatient.  Valiant

looks to the door.

WEASLE (O.S.)

Open up!

EXT. VALIANT’S DOOR

The Weasles open the violin cases and take out real tommy guns

and shoulder them in teams of two.  Suddenly they unleash a

torrent of MACHINE GUN FIRE, making the outline of a weasle

in the door with BULLETS.  The leader blows on the cut-out

and it falls in.  The Weasles file through one by one.

INT. APARTMENT

The Weasles don’t bother to look around.  They all just start

BLASTING.  Bullets fly every which way.  The barrage destroys

Valiant’s apartment in a matter of seconds.  When the

shooting stops and the smoke clears, the Weasles look around.

The head Weasle spots blood all over the kitchen floor.

WEASLE #1

We got him.

But when he looks behind the counter, it’s only a shattered

ketchup bottle.

EXT. REAR OF APARTMENT

Eddie and Roger, handcuffed together, are beating it down the

alley.  Roger, being a rabbit, is beating it a lot faster.

He’s kicking up dust, his legs are blur.  Valiant stumbles

trying to keep up.  When they round the corner, Roger slams

on the brakes, Toon style.  Valiant goes skidding past him and

is jerked to a stop like a dog on a short leash.

VALIANT

Hey!  What do you think you’re doin’?

ROGER RABBIT

Sorry, Eddie, I forgot you’re not a

Toon.

VALIANT

Don’t ever forget that.

EXT. BUNGALOW – BACK WINDOW – THE WEASLES

come piling out the window.  They start sniffing the ground.

Suddenly one of them freezes on point, like a dog.  Another

blows a HUNTER’S HORN and they’re off on the trail.

EXT. STREET – EDDIE AND ROGER

emerge from the alley.  They pause momentarily to

reconnoiter.  Eddie decides to go left, Roger right.  When

they get to the end of the cuffs, they snap back into a pile.

Valiant gets back to his feet and hauls Roger up angrily.

VALIANT

This way, goof…

They start across the street.  But Roger goes on one side of

the Street sign, Eddie the other.  Roger coils around it like

a tether ball.  Valiant yanks Roger off the sign and they

duck across the street just as a trolley car passes.

THE WEASLES

come bloodhounding around the corner.  They search the street

for signs of the fugitive.  But when they get to the trolley

tracks, they stop, bewildered.

WEASLE #1

Scent’s cold.

WEASLE #2

Pssst.

He points toward the trolley car pulling into the Terminal

Station.  They fall all over themselves scurrying over to the

trolley.  They surround it and jump aboard, tommy-gun at the

ready.

INT. RED CAR

The CONDUCTOR raises his hands like it was a hold-up.  A

couple PASSENGERS scream as the Weasles search the car.  But

no Roger or Eddie.  As quickly as they got on, they get off.

EXT. RED CAR

as it pulls away.  The Weasles look around perplexed.

WEASLE #1

Funny… I could swear I smelled

rabbit.

ANGLE FROM ABOVE

Eddie and Roger are balanced on the trolley wire above the

Weasles’ heads.  As the Weasles sniff around the barn, Eddie

and Roger ease along the wire, using the wall of the Terminal

Bar to lean on.

INT. TERMINAL BAR – KITCHEN

Dolores is preparing corned beef and cabbage.  The RADIO is

PLAYING “MARES EAT OATS”.  A NEWSCASTER breaks into the

music.

NEWSCASTER

News flash… Hollywood.  Citywide

Toonhunt for Roger Rabbit, suspect in

Acme slaying.  Police describe him as

short, cuddly…  and psychotic.

Dolores turns just as Roger’s grinning face appears in the

window.

DOLORES

(startled)

Mother Mary…

Now Eddie’s face comes into view.  He motions for her to open

the window.

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW

Roger and Eddie watch another trolley approach.  The contact

arm sparks its way along the wire as it rolls along towards

them.  Valiant watches as Dolores struggles to get the window

open.

VALIANT

Hurry, hurry…

At the last second, the window opens.  Eddie jumps for the

sill, Roger dangling from the cuffs as the trolley passes.

INT. KITCHEN

Dolores helps pull Valiant through the window.  Then he drags

Roger inside.

DOLORES

Jesus, Eddie, is this who I think it

is?

VALIANT

Dolores, meet Roger Rabbit.

Roger bows at the waist, takes her hand and kisses it like

Charles Boyer

ROGER RABBIT

Charmed, enchanted, pleasure’s all

mined.

DOLORES

Where’d you find him?

VALIANT

The Toon Fairy left him under my

pillow.

Now Roger spots a plate of freshly shucked corn.

ROGER RABBIT

May I?

Before she can answer, he grabs an ear, presses it to his

lips and applies the typewriter method to it.  When he gets

to the end of a row, we even HEAR the BING!

DOLORES

He’s a riot.

VALIANT

Oh, yeah?  Well, you’re not handcuffed

to him.

(holds up

cuffs)

Anybody in the back room?

DOLORES

It’s all yours.

We FOLLOW Dolores as she leads Valiant and Roger across the

hall.  She stops at a door, unlocks it, and leads them in.

INT. BACK ROOM

It’s a tiny storage room/office with an institutional metal

desk, a cot, and assorted janitorial supplies stacked around.

Dolores shuts and locks the door behind her.  Valiant goes to

a metal locker and digs through some tools, coming out with a

hacksaw.  He sits on the cot and starts working on the cuffs.

DOLORES

So you decided to help him after all?

VALIANT

I oughta have my head examined.

(to Roger)

Will you hold still?

Roger quiets like a child for a moment as Valiant saws

feverishly.  Then Roger slips his hand out of the cuff and

holds his side while Eddie keeps sawing.

ROGER RABBIT

Does this help?

VALIANT

Yeah, that’s better.

Valiant saws a couple more strokes before the realization of

what Roger’s done hits him.  His face darkens.  Roger sees

the look and sheepishly tries to recover by sticking his hand

back in the cuff.

VALIANT

You mean to tell me you coulda taken

your hand outta that cuff at any time?

ROGER RABBIT

Well, no, not any time.  Only when it

was funny.

Valiant looks at Roger like he’s about to brain him.  Roger

pulls his hand free again, and cowers out of range.  Valiant

just rubs his forehead.

VALIANT

Are you always this funny, or only on

days when you’re wanted for murder?

ROGER RABBIT

My philosophy is if you don’t have a

sense of humor, you’re better off dead.

VALIANT

Yeah… well you just might get your

wish.

DOLORES

Can you get him out of it, Eddie?

VALIANT

If I can find whoever wanted to kill

Acme bad enough to get this.

Valiant throws the pattycake picture down on the table.

Dolores and Roger both examine it closely.

DOLORES

Acme’s will.

ROGER RABBIT

So that’s what this little drama is all

about.

VALIANT

Yeah.  I think Maroon plays the part of

the sound mind, your wife the sound

body.

ROGER RABBIT

I resent that innuendo!  My wife is

completely innocent.

VALIANT

Your wife may be a lot of things, pal,

but innocent isn’t one of them.

DOLORES

So what’s the scam, Eddie?

VALIANT

Maybe Baby Herman was right.  Somebody

wants Acme’s property.  Cack the old

man, pin it on Roger, and destroy the

will.

ROGER RABBIT

The habeus corpus is thickening.

VALIANT

Yeah.  Except they screwed up.  I don’t

think they got the will.

ROGER RABBIT

How do you know that?

VALIANT

Well, Acme had the will in his pocket

that night at the club.  It was gone in

the morning when the cops found the

body.

DOLORES

Maybe they just took it out of his

pocket.

VALIANT

Then why’d they bother to crack the

safe?  You can drop a Mosler 90 from

Mount Baldy and it won’t open.

ROGER RABBIT

Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants Detective, your

logic is specious.  What prevented Mr.

Acme from putting the will back in the

safe before they killed him?

VALIANT

Because he’s not forty feet tall.  The

safe was up on the ceiling, remember?

Dolores whistles over his deductions.

DOLORES

Eddie, you still got it.  Hey, tomorrow

maybe I’ll go down to probate court and

see who’s sniffin’ around Acme’s

estate?

VALIANT

Yeah, do that.  I’m gonna go rattle

Maroon’s cage.

Valiant finishes sawing the cuffs.  He stands and throws the

cuffs aside.  Valiant and Dolores go to the door.  Roger

follows them eagerly.

ROGER RABBIT

What should I do?  Who should I see?

Where should I go?

Valiant turns.

VALIANT

Nothin’, no one, nowhere,

He slams the door.

INT. POLO LOUNGE – CLOSE – MAROON

He’s in a booth in the middle of a business lunch.

MAROON

Maybe money grows on trees in Toontown,

but not at the Maroon Studio.

WIDEN THE SHOT to REVEAL that Maroon’s sharing a booth with

BUGS BUNNY and his AGENT.  Bugs is chewing on a carrot.

BUGS BUNNY

Look, Doc, fiduciary considerations

aside, Roger Rabbit may have been

willing to play second banana to an

ankle-biter, but I ain’t.

ACROSS THE ROOM

A MAITRE D’ is leading Valiant and Augie, the deaf-mute to a

table by the door.

VALIANT

This’ll be fine, huh, Augie?

Augie nods his head.  They sit and pick up the menus.  Augie

takes one peek and looks at Valiant, alarmed.  He scribbles a

note.  Valiant reads it.

VALIANT

Forget about the prices, pal.  If you

want the shrimp cocktail, you have a

shrimp cocktail.

(puts menu

down)

Excuse me, Augie, I’ve got a little

table-hopping to do.

Valiant gets up from the table and starts across the room.

AT MAROON’S BOOTH

AGENT

I think you should know, R.K., we’re in

negotiations for Bugs to star in his

own series at Warner Brothers.

MAROON

Trying to scare up a bidding war

between me and Jack Warner, eh?  Well,

it won’t work.  I’ll call William

Morris and I’ll have ’em put out a

rabbit call the likes of which this

town’s never seen!

BUGS BUNNY

It’s your dime, Doc.

MAROON

And stop callin’ me Doc!

BUGS BUNNY

Eh, sure, Doc.

Now Valiant arrives, pulls up a chair from next table and

sits down.

VALIANT

Hi, Mr. Maroon.  Remember me?

MAROON

Valiant?  What’re you doin’ here?

VALIANT

I Just thought I’d drop by and show you

a photograph.

MAROON

I’ve already seen your photographs.

VALIANT

Yeah, but I enlarged this one.  Thought

you might be interested.

Valiant takes an enlargement of the pattycake shot and puts

it on the table in front of Maroon.  We can clearly see the

will sticking out of Acme’s pocket.

VALIANT

Anyway… enjoy your lunch.

Valiant stands and departs.  But his visit has done it’s

trick.  Maroon looks l’ike he’s seen a ghost.  We FOLLOW

Valiant across the room to his table where Augie is

blissfully attacking a shrimp cocktail.

VALIANT

How is that, Augie, pretty good?

Augie nods enthusiastically.  Valiant keeps an eye on

Maroon’s booth.  Now he nudges Augie as Maroon excuses

himself and goes into the phone booth just outside the door.

Augie puts his shrimp fork down and picks up his pencil.

AUGIE’S POV

We see Maroon talk on the phone MOS.  As his lips move,

Valiant supplies his words.

VALIANT (V.O.)

It’s me.  Valiant says there’s a will.

I don’t know what he’s trying to

pull…

BACK TO SCENE

Valiant is reading of Augie’s pad as Augie reads Maroon’s

lips, and scribbles down what he says.

VALIANT

(reading)

Somebody’s gonna have to take care of

him.

Augie looks up from his scribbling to exchange an eyebrow

raising glance with Valiant.  Then he turns back to Maroon

again.

VALIANT

(reading)

The old man had it at the club that

night.  That’s right.  Yeah, I’m sure.

I’ll be there.

Augie stops writing as Maroon hangs up the phone.

VALIANT

(continuing; to

Augie)

Where?

Augie shrugs his shoulders.  Disappointed, Valiant lights a

cigarette.  Now Augie elbows him and gestures across at

Maroon, who’s making another call.  Augie starts writing

again.

VALIANT

(continuing;

reading)

Iris… cancel my appointments this

afternoon.  I’ll be at Forest Lawn.

Maroon hangs up the phone and comes out of the phone booth.

He hustles out of the room.  Valiant stands.

VALIANT

You did great, Augie.  Have another

shrimp cocktail.

Valiant drops a twenty on the table and pats Augie on the

back.

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL

A CARHOP wheels a yellow Packard up in front.  Maroon climbs

in and ROARS off.  Valiant ENTERS THE FRAME.  He looks after

Maroon, then calmly starts walking down the driveway.

EXT. FOREST LAWN CEMETERY – RED CAR STOP – DAY

A Red Car pulls up.  Valiant climbs off.  He calmly crosses

the street and ducks behind the cemetery entranceway as

Maroon’s Packard ROARS through.

VALIANT

(impressed)

Love that Red Car.

As Valiant starts to walk up the hill…

CUT TO:

THE ACME FUNERAL SITE – LONG SHOT – DAY

A hearse, and a line of black limos are parked in the lane.

Nearby, Marvin Acme’s funeral is in progress.  Clustered

around a gravesite are the mourners… TOONS of every stripe.

There’s MICKEY MOUSE comforting MINNIE.  TOM AND JERRY.

HECKLE AND JECKLE.  CHIP ‘N DALE.  Everyone from the famous

to the not so famous is in attendance.  The eulogy is being

delivered in a familiar blustery Southern VOICE.  It’s

FOGHORN LEGHORN.

FOGHORN LEGHORN

Today we commit the body of brother

Acme to the cold, I say cold, cold

ground.  We shed no tears for we know

that Marvin is going to a better place.

That high, high, I say that

high-larious place up in the sky.

Foghorn Leghorn dramatically points skyward.

TOONS

(in unison)

A-men!

NEW ANGLE – VALIANT

is leaning up against a palm tree on the hill.  We have been

watching the proceedings from his POV.  Now he sees Maroon’s

car pull up.  He moves around to the other side of the tree

as Maroon passes and starts wending his way through the

crowd.

AT THE GRAVESITE

Foghorn Leghorn nods to the funeral DIRECTOR, a pasty-faced

human in a black mourning coat.  The Director starts to turn

the crank lowering the coffin into the grave.

FOGHORN LEGHORN

Give us a sign, brother Herman, that

you’ve arrived…

Much to the funeral Director’s amazement, the crank starts

PLINKING Out the tune to “POP GOES THE WEASLE”.  Now the Toon

mourners pick up on it and join in.

TOONS

(singing)

Round and round the mullberry bush, The

monkey chased the weasle…

The crank and SONG start going FASTER AND FASTER.

TOONS

(continuing;

singing)

The monkey raid it all was in fun.  POP!

Goes the weasle.

Suddenly half of the lid to Acme’s coffin flies open and a

harlequin CLOWN BOI-YOI-YOINGS out.  The funeral Director

faints dead away as the Toon SOBS turn to LAUGHTER.  The

Toons turn and head away from the grave comforted by a

funeral befitting a gag king.  They climb into their cars and

SCREECH off like the start of the Indy 500.  One mourner is

left at the gravesite.  Sitting in a chair dabbing at her

eyes with a handkerchief is Jessica Rabbit.  Maroon walks up

behind her.

MAROON

So… trying to pull a fast one on me,

huh?

Jessica turns, startled.  She stands and faces Maroon.

VALIANT

smiles and leans in.  This is the moment he’s been waiting

for.  Now just as the conversation begins, it is drowned out

by the NOISE from a LAWN MOWER.  Valiant turns to see a

GARDENER riding around on a small tractor cutting the grass.

Valiant tries to flag him down as he watches Maroon and

Jessica having an arguement.  There’s accusatory finger

pointing.  In pantomime, Maroon gestures into his pocket as

if describing the position of Acme’s will.

Jessica tries to leave.  He grabs her arm.  They’re screaming

at each other but we don’t hear a word.  Valiant waves

frantically for the Gardener to cut the machine.  But the

Gardener misconstrues it as a friendly greeting and waves

back.  Valiant turns in time to see Jessica kick Maroon in

the groin and stomp off to a red Auburn Speedster.  She jumps

in and speeds away as Maroon staggers back to his car.  The

Gardener stops the tractor next to Valiant.  He SHUTS OFF THE

ENGINE.  The cemetery is completely still again.

GARDENER

Somethin’ you want, mister?

VALIANT

Not anymore…

EXT. INK & PAINT CLUB – ALLEY – NIGHT

A Steinway piano truck is parked next to the stage door.  TWO

husky PIANO MOVERS are rolling a baby grand up the ramp to

the stage door.  They knock on the door.  The Gorilla opens

it and they muscle the piano inside.  After a moment, they

reemerge.  We FOLLOW them back to the truck where a second

baby grand stands ready to be moved.

MOVER #1

I don’t know about you, but it makes me

sick to think of these beautiful pianos

gettin’ chopped into match sticks every

night by those screwy ducks.

Struggling, they push this second piano into the club.

INT. CLUB – BACKSTAGE

They roll the piano over to the wall and park it next to the

first.

MOVER #2

(shakes head)

And they call it entertainment.

As they go out the stage door, MOVE IN on the baby grand.

INSIDE THE PIANO – VALIANT

is lying prone — using the Steinway as his own Trojan Horse.

He lifts the piano lid to climb out, but then HEARS FOOTSTEPS

approaching.  He lowers the lid again.  Now someone starts

testing the keys.  We see the hammers strike the strings,

RUNNING UP THE SCALES until they reach the one under

Valiant’s nose.  The hammer whacks Valiant’s nose on the

backswing and strikes the string making a terrible SOUR NOTE.

DONALD DUCK (V.O.)

(exasperated

QUACK)

Phooey!  Out of tune again!

DAFFY DUCK (V.O.)

Not to worry, Donald.  We can fix that

with my sledgehammer.

DONALD DUCK (V.O.)

Never mind, Daffy.  I’ve got an axe in

my dressing room.

Valiant’s eyes widen.

ANGLE ON PIANO

as the VOICES of Daffy and Donald recede, Valiant raises the

lid and quickly climbs out.  He eases over to Jessica’s

dressing room.  As he starts to open the door, he HEARS

SCUFFLING from inside.  Valiant puts his ear to the door.

More SCUFFLING.  Valiant straightens, then suddenly whips the

door open and flicks on the light.

INT. DRESSING ROOM

Nobody’s there.  Perplexed, Valiant closes the door behind

him and checks behind the dressing screen.  In the closet.

No one.  He shrugs and starts to search the room.  He goes to

Jessica’s dressing table and rifles the drawers.  In her

purse he discovers a Toon revolver.  He examines it.

VALIANT

Girl’s gotta protect herself.

Valiant puts the gun back in the purse and closes the drawer.

As he stands, he pauses to consider a Hurrel-like

black-and-white photo of Roger Rabbit in a silver deco frame.

He’s dramatically posed with a cigarette like he was Tyrone

Power.

Valiant shakes his head and turns from the table.  Something

catches his eye.

ANGLE ON FLOOR

Behind the dressing table, the corner of a piece of blue

paper peeks out.  Valiant stoops down and fishes it out.

It’s a cover for a legal document — “Last Will and Testament

— Marvin Acme”.

VALIANT

stands, pleased.  He opens the blue folder.  But it’s empty.

Valiant puts it in his inside pocket and turns to go when

suddenly an unseen hand flicks the lights off.

VALIANT

Son of a bitch…

We can’t see anything in the darkness.  But we hear the SOUND

of A FISTFIGHT.  There’s the CRASHING of lamps and furniture

breaking.  Now the door opens for a second as the assailant

escapes.  Light floods in the room, illuminating Valiant on

the floor with a curtain wrapped around his head.  As he

struggles free the door closes.  The room is dark again.

Valiant scrambles to the door.  When he whips it open, REVEAL

the Gorilla framed in the doorway.  Valiant is frozen.  The

Gorilla flicks on the light.  He smiles wickedly.

GORILLA

And here I tought we had mice.

Valiant tries to make a break for it.  WHAM!  The Gorilla

lays him out cold with a right cross.

BLACKOUT.

FADE IN:

VALIANT’S POV FROM FLOOR

As his vision comes INTO FOCUS, Valiant sees the Gorilla,

Jessica Rabbit, the Weasles and Judge Doom are standing over

him.

GORILLA

… I caught him rummagin’ around in

here.  Then I called you, Judge, on a

counta you be da one we pay juice to.

DOOM

(clears throat)

You did the right thing, Bongo.

THE WEASLES

pull a groggy Valiant upright and plop him in a chair in

front of Doom.

DOOM

Being caught breaking and entering is

not very good advertising for a

detective.  What were you looking for,

Mr. Valiant?

VALIANT

Ask her…

Valiant nods toward Jessica, who stands coolly smoking a

cigarette.

JESSICA RABBIT

Last week some heavy breather wanted

one of my nylons as a souvenir.  Maybe

that’s what he was after?

VALIANT

Look, doll, if I wanted underwear, I

woulda broken into Frederick’s of

Hollywood.  I was lookin’ for Marvin

Acme’s will.

DOOM

Marvin Acme had no will.  I should

know, the probate is in my court.

VALIANT

He had a will, all right.  She took it

off Acme the night she and R.K. Maroon

knocked him off.  Then she set up her

loving husband to take the fall.

JESSICA RABBIT

You, Mr. Valiant, are either drunk or

punch drunk.  Probably both.

DOOM

These are bold accusations, Mr.

Valiant.  I hope you have some proof?

VALIANT

I found the cover the will came in

behind the dressing table.

Valiant reaches into his pocket.  But the blue envelope is

gone.

VALIANT

(continuing)

They must’ve taken it off me.

DOOM

They?

VALIANT

The other people who were in here

lookin’ for the will.  I woulda caught

’em if Cheetah here hadn’t interrupted

me.

The Gorilla makes a move for Valiant.  Doom stops him.

DOOM

Take it easy, Bongo.  We’ll handle Mr.

Valiant our own way… downtown.

VALIANT

Downtown?  Fine.  Get a hold of

Santino, I’d be more than glad to talk

to him.

DOOM

Oh, not that downtown.  Toontown.

The mention of Toontown has a visible impact on Valiant.

VALIANT

(nervous)

You’re not takin’ me to downtown

Toontown?

DOOM

Indeed we are.  We’ll continue the

interrogation there.

VALIANT

(very agitated)

I ain’t tellin’ you nothin’!  Get me

Santino.

DOOM

You’re a very stubborn man, Mr.

Valiant.  Very pig-headed.  Boys, show

Mr. Valiant how we handle pig-headed

men at the Toontown station…

As the Weasles drag Valiant out of the room…

VALIANT

(screaming)

No… you bastards!  Leggo of me!

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

The Toon Control Wagon streaks along with the cat SIREN

WAILING.  It flashes by then slams on the brakes at the

entrance to an eerie tunnel.  A sign next to the tunnel says:

“Toontown”.

INT. WAGON

The Weasles look over at the bound and gagged Valiant.  One

of them turns Valiant’s head to look at the Toontown sign.

WEASLE #1

What’re you shakin’ for?  Didn’t you

have a good time last time you were

here?

With a wicked WHEEZE, the driver floors it.

EXT. TUNNEL

The wagon disappears into the murky darkness.  PAN UP to the

night sky.

DISSOLVE TO:

THE SKY – MORNING

PAN DOWN to the tunnel.  We can’t see into the darkness but

we HEAR HOOTING and HOLLERING from within.  GUNS going off,

FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING, WHIPS CRACKING, all accompanied by

the WHEEZING LAUGHTER of the Weasles.

WEASLE #1 (O.S.)

Soo-eey!  Soo-eey!

WEASLE #2 (O.S.)

Let him go, boys.  I think he’s got the

message.

After a beat, Valiant comes staggering out of the tunnel.

He’s got a burlap sack over his head tied around his waist.

Behind him, the Weasles emerge holding paint cans and

brushes.  They watch as he trips and falls by the side of the

road.  The Weasles GIGGLE victoriously and head back inside.

Valiant lies there for a moment, catching his breath.  Then

he struggles to free his hands.  Finally he rips the sack off

his head and sits up.

CLOSE – VALIANT

We see he’s got a huge Toon pig with a goofy grin painted

over his head.  Valiant pulls and tugs on it, but this is a

costume that won’t come off.  Valiant curses, gets to his

feet and stumbles down the road.

EXT. RED CAR STOP

Valiant gets in the back of the line of PASSENGERS boarding

the Red Car.

INT. RED CAR – VALIANT

steps aboard.  The Trolleyman, who we recognize as Earl from

the Terminal bar, does a double-take when he sees the

ridiculously silly looking man/Toon.

EARL

Here’s one for the books… a Toon

wearin’ human clothes.

VALIANT

Earl… it’s me, Valiant.

EARL

Eddie?  Jesus, what happened?

VALIANT

Toon cops worked me over.

EARL

Boy, I’ll say.  They gave you a real

Toon-a-Roo.

VALIANT

(apprehensively)

What am I, Earl?

Earl breaks the news to Valiant soberly.

EARL

You’re a pig… a happy-go-lucky pig.

VALIANT

No…

EARL

Does it hurt?

VALIANT

Not much.  It’s hard to talk.

EARL

Uh, Eddie, do me a favor.  Could you

sit in the back so you won’t cause as

much of a commotion.

Valiant tries to pull the brim of his hat down.  But it’s

comically small on the huge head.  He makes his way down the

aisle past a veritable gauntlet of RAZZING, poking, tripping

PASSENGERS.  Finally he finds an empty seat in the back as

the Red Car starts up.

A LITTLE KID

wearing a baseball cap is sitting a few seats away with his

MOTHER.  The Kid looks back at Eddie and laughs.  He leans

over and whispers something to his Mom.

KID

Can I, Mom?

MOMMY

Go ahead, darling.  Take your bat.

The Kid takes his baseball bat and approaches Valiant

innocently.

KID

Hi, Mr. Pig.  If I hit you on the head,

will you make me a cuckoo bird?

The Kid starts to take a swing with the bat.

VALIANT

Kid, if you hit me on the head, I’m

gonna throw you out this window.

The Kid’s eyes widen in terror.  This is not a typical Toon

response.

KID

(crying)

Mommy!

INT. VALIANT’S APARTMENT – BATHROOM – DAY

We hear the SOUND of the SHOWER.  Valiant’s hand reaches out

past the shower curtain and grabs for a bottle.  But it’s not

shampoo.  It’s turpentine.

VALIANT (O.S.)

Dammit!

CLOSE – TUB DRAIN

The water swirling down the drain is tinged with paint of

different colors.

CLOSE – VALIANT

He scrubs manically until the last of the pig head is gone.

He rinses off and he feels around his face.  The absence of

the Toon mask seems to bring him some relief.  He shuts off

the shower and slides the shower curtain back.

VALIANT’S POV – JESSICA RABBIT

is leaning up against the doorjamb, dressed as usual, in a

black cocktail dress with elbow length gloves and pearls.

JESSICA RABBIT

Hello, Mr. Valiant.  I rang the

doorbell, but I guess you couldn’t hear

it.

VALIANT

That’s because I don’t have a doorbell.

Jessica, caught in her lie, flutters her eyelids nervously.

JESSICA RABBIT

Oh… well, I… I just had to see you.

VALIANT

Okay, you’ve seen me.  Now give me a

towel.

As she hands him a towel, she stares down at his anatomy.

JESSICA RABBIT

What’s that thing?

Valiant looks down at what she’s referring to.

VALIANT

Come on, lady, haven’t you ever seen a

mole before?

JESSICA RABBIT

Toons aren’t given imperfections.

VALIANT

No?  I guess we’re not counting lying,

stealing and murder.

JESSICA RABBIT

You’ve got the wrong idea about me.

I’a a pawn in this just like poor

Roger.  Can you help me find him?  I’ll

pay you anything.

VALIANT

Yeah, I’ll bet you would.  You gotta

have the rabbit to make the scam work.

JESSICA RABBIT

No, no, no… I love my husband.

VALIANT

Oh, sure.  I can just feature you

standin’ outside your little hutch,

holdin’ a carrot cake waitin’ for hubby

to come home.

JESSICA RABBIT

Oh, please don’t make fun of me, Mr,

Valiant.  You don’t know how hard it is

being a woman looking the way I do.

VALIANT

Yeah, well, you don’t know how hard it

is bein’ a man looking at a woman

looking the way you do.

JESSICA RABBIT

I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.

VALIANT

I’m not complainin’.  But give me

credit.  I’m the guy who took the

pictures of you and Acme playin’

pattycake, remember?

Jessica takes a cigarette out of her purse.  She lights it

and blows a cloud of Toon smoke.  It forms a recreation of

what she describes.

JESSICA RABBIT

Maroon came to me.  He told me he’d

fire Roger if I didn’t do it.  I went

along with him for Roger’s sake.  It

was only pattycake, after all.

Valiant waves at the smoke scene, dispelling it.

VALIANT

So altruistic.

JESSICA RABBIT

It’s the truth.  Why won’t you believe

it?

VALIANT

Cause I don’t take Acme Dumb Pills.  I

don’t know what you’re up to, lady, but

I’m gonna nail you for the Acme murder.

JESSICA RABBIT

If I’m as bad as you think, what’s

stopping me from just killing you right

now?

Valiant reaches behind him and picks up a small cup on the

sink.

VALIANT

This cup of turpentine right here.  Go

for that gun in your purse and I’m

gonna let you have it.

Jessica breaks down and starts sobbing.

JESSICA RABBIT

Oh, Mr, Valiant, please… you’re my

only hope.

She comes to Eddie and hugs him, burying her head in his

shoulder.

JESSICA RABBIT

I’m weak… you’re strong.  Can’t you

find a place somewhere in your heart to

help me?

Valiant looks down at the luscious creature in his arms,

considering the request.  The moment is interrupted by the

CLEARING of a VOICE.

DOLORES (O.C.)

Dabblin’ in watercolors, Eddie?

Valiant, still in just a towel, sheepishly turns to face

Dolores, who’s standing in the doorway.

VALIANT

Dolores…

Dolores regards Jessica with undisguised contempt.

DOLORES

Lemme guess… your cousin from Des

Moines?

Jessica straightens her dress.

JESSICA RABBIT

Perhaps I should go.

DOLORES

Must you?

JESSICA RABBIT

Goodbye, Eddie… don’t hate me.

Jessica blows Eddie a TOON KISS which flies across the room,

landing on Eddie’s cheek.  She saunters past the smoldering

Dolores and out the door.  Dolores walks to Eddie and peels

the kiss off his cheek.  She crumples it up and throws it

down in the wastebasket.

DOLORES

What was that?

VALIANT

That was the rabbit’s wife.

DOLORES

The rabbit’s wife?  Wanna tell me what

she was doin’ with her arms around you?

VALIANT

Probably lookin’ for a good place to

stick a knife.

DOLORES

I just stopped by to tell you that I

checked out the Acme probate.

VALIANT

Maroon, right?

DOLORES

Nope.  It’s that Cloverleaf outfit

again.

VALIANT

(startled)

What the hell would they want with a

gag factory?

DOLORES

Got me.  But unless the will shows up

by Friday midnight, it’s theirs.

As Valiant considers this new development, he cocks an ear.

In the distance, we HEAR FAINT SINGING.

VALIANT

What’s that comin’ from the bar?

DOLORES

(listens)

Sounds like singin’.

VALIANT

Oh, no…

As Valiant grabs his pants…

CUT TO:

INT. TERMINAL BAR – DAY

Roger’s out all right.  In fact, he’s using the bar as a

stage for a song and dance number.  The tune is extremely

familiar.  In fact, it’s the one that opens every Warner

Brothers cartoon…  The Looney Tune Anthem.  But we’ve never

heard words to go with it.

ROGER RAB3IT

‘The merry-go-round broke down

But you don’t see me frown…’

Roger grabs Augie’s pad and pencil, scribbles some drawings

lightning fast.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

‘Things turned out fine

And now she’s mine…’

Roger flips through the pad which in crude animation, shows

the story of Roger and Jessica getting back together,

culminating in them kissing in a heart.  Augie’s delighted.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

‘… Cause the merry-go-round

Went round…

Hoo-hoo, Hoo-hoo…’

Roger does backflips and acts like an escapee from the acute

ward.

THE DOOR OPENS

Eddie and Dolores enter.  Valiant stops in his tracks at the

sight of Roger’s performance… and the smiles on the faces

of the sourpusses.

CLOSE – ROGER

doesn’t see Eddie.  He moves into the next verse.  He twirls

around on the post.

ROGER RABBIT

‘My name is Roger Rabbit

I’ve got a crazy habit

I like to sing and dance and yuk…’

Roger goes to Angelo, lifts off his cap, and whacks his

toupee, making it spin like a top.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

‘… So brighten up and smile

You schmuck’.

All the regulars in the bar have a good laugh at that one.

Now as Roger twirls around on the post, he smashes into a bar

tray held by Eddie.  Valiant carries him toward the back

room, but the irrepressable entertainer gets on his knees Al

Jolson style and blows kisses to his audience.  The regulars

are HOWLING as Roger is carried out.

INT. BACK ROOM

Valiant flings Roger into the room and slams the door behind

him.

ROGER RABBIT

Hey, don’t I get an encore?

VALIANT

Why, you crazy Toon… I’ve been out

there riskin’ my neck for you.   I come

back here and you’re singin’ and

dancin’.

ROGER RABBIT

But that’s my calling, my purpose, my

raison d’etre.  Toons are supposed to

make people laugh… and believe me,

those people needed a laugh.

VALIANT

And when they’re done laughin’ , they’re

gonna call the cops.  That guy Angelo

would rat on you for a nickel!

ROGER RABBIT

Angelo?  He’s a pal, a chum…

VALIANT

An arsonist and a kidnapper.  He

just got outta prison.

ROGER RABBIT

Well… I still don’t think he’d turn

me in.

VALIANT

Just because you got ’em to laugh?

ROGER RABBIT

A laugh can be a powerful thing, Eddie.

Sometimes it’s the only weapon we have

in life.

VALIANT

I think I prefer the Smith and Wesson

variety.

ROGER RABBIT

I’ve met some cynical and miserable

humans in my time.  But you, Edward

Valiant, are positively funereal!

VALIANT

Well, right now it’s gonna be your

funereal.

Valiant takes his fist back to belt Roger.  Roger stands

stoicly, jaw thrust forward, eyes closed.

ROGER RABBIT

Go ahead and throw that punch.

(opens one eye)

But you’d be more successful with a

punch line.

Valiant drops his fist and rubs his temples with frustration.

VALIANT

You’re driving me crazy, you know that?

Let’s go… you ruined this as a hiding

place.

Valiant grabs Roger by the scruff of the neck and opens the

door.  But he ducks back in quickly.

VALIANT’S POW – THROUGH DOOR – JUDGE DOOM

has entered the bar.  He stands FRAMED in the doorway,

Voltaire perched on his shoulder.  The red light of the neon

sign flashes on his glasses making him look like he’s got

burning coals for eyes.  With the Weasles at the door backing

him up, the satanic Doom walks to the bar, his FOOTSTEPS

CREAKING along the wooden floor.  He surveys the scene, leans

over the bar for a glass.  Doom holds the glass up to the

light and looks at it disgustedly.  He picks up a bottle of

scotch and carries it down to where the one-armed Soldier is

sitting.  Doom stares at him, then pulls the empty sleeve out

of the amputee’s pocket.  He uses it to wipe the inside of

the glass.

DOOM

I’m looking for a rabbit.  He was last

seen in this neighborhood.

The barflies avoid Doom’s stare and shoot covered glances to

one another.  But nobody says a word.  Doom pours a drink

into his newly cleaned glass… then gently pours it down

Voltaire’s gullet.

DOOM

(continuing)

You couldn’t miss him.  Buck teeth.

Orange pants.  About yea big.

Doom squashes the Midget’s head down to approximate the size.

DOLORES

There’s no rabbit here, so don’t harass

my customers.

Doom turns to Dolores.

DOOM

I didn’t come here to harass.  I came

here to reward.

Doom walks around Dolores toward the back.  But Doom stops

next to the blackboard.  On it is written:  “Today’s Special

– French Dip – $ .50”.  Doom erases the “French” and the

decimal point in front of the “50”.  Then he picks up the

chalk and starts to write.  The CHALK SQUEAKS excruciatingly

on the blackboard.  Everyone winces but watches anyway, as

Doom writes “Rabbit” where the “French” was, and adds the

zeroes to the “50”.  It now reads:  “Rabbit Dip – $5000”.

AT THE BAR – ALL EYES

are fixed on the figure on the blackboard.  Angelo licks his

lips.

ANGELO

Hey, I seen a rabbit…

Angelo looks defensively at all his cronies and back to Doom.

ANGELO

(continuing)

He’s right here in the bar.

But instead of pointing to the back of the bar, he talks to

the empty barstool beside him.

ANGELO

(continuing)

Say ‘ello, Harvey.

The tension is broken.  Everybody at the bar starts HOWLING.

INT. BACK ROOM

Roger turns to Eddie victoriously.

ROGER RABBIT

My pal.

IN THE BAR

Doom stares down the regulars until the laughter stops.

Meanwhile, a Weasle has started sniffing around the bar where

Roger was dancing.  As Doom turns to leave, the Weasle

whispers in his ear as he points to the back.  Doom smiles

and pats the Weasle on the head.  He turns to Angelo and the

others.

DOOM

Now we’ll see who laughs best…

The Weasle bloodhounds through the bar with Doom striding

after him.  We FOLLOW them to the door to the back room.

Doom rips the door open.

INT. BACK ROON

It’s dark.  Doom flicks on the light.  REVEAL Valiant on the

cot, his pint bottle cradled in his arm.  He blinks as if

awakened from a drunken slumber.

DOOM

Valiant?  Why is it that whenever my

men smell a rabbit, you’re there?

Valiant plumps the pillow behind his head.

VALIANT

Must be my cologne… Eau Dc Carrot.

WEASLE #1

(sniffs)

He’s in here all right, boss.

Suddenly the Weasle grabs the pillow from under Valiant’s

head and carves it to shreds with a switchblade.  Feathers

fly.  But no rabbit fur.

WEASLE #2

Youse want we should take the place

apart?

The rest of the Weasles are arrayed behind Doom with Toon

crowbars, picks, and a jackhammer.

DOOM

No, Sergeant.  That won’t be necessary.

Doom walks over to the locker.

DOOM

(continuing)

I know a trick that no Toon can resist.

Doom raps on the locker with his knuckles.  Da-da-da-da-da…

It’s a familiar pattern that demands a Da-da response.  Doom

moves to the desk and tries it again.  Da-da-da-da-da…

INSIDE A MAXWELL HOUSE COFFEE CAN

Roger is hiding while sweating out the urge to finish the

familiar coda.  We HEAR the RAPPING again, closer.

Da-da-da-da-da…  Roger’s biting his nails.

DOOM

moves to the milk crate the coffee can is on.  Valiant gets

up off the cot.

VALIANT

You know, Doom, I don’t know who’s

Toonier, you or the rabbit.

Doom just smiles and knocks the pattern out on the crate.

DOOM

Shave… and… a haircut…

Roger bursts out of the can with the lid on his head.  He

responds con brio.

ROGER RABBIT

Two… bits!

(looks around)

Uh… oh…

PSSSHEW!  Roger flies out the door.

INT. THE BAR

He streaks across the bar and out the front door.   After a

beat, two Weasles step into the bar holding the butterfly net

they had stretched across the door.  They WHEEZE with glee at

the struggling Roger trapped inside.  A third Weasle carries

the Judge’s briefcase.

Doom strides confidently into the bar.

WEASLE

Oyez… oyez… oyez… court is now in

session.

Valiant and Dolores are led out by a couple Weasles holding

guns on them.  As Doom snaps the briefcase open on the bar,

the twelve Kangaroos pop up in their jury box.  Doom raps on

the bar with his gavel-headed cane.  The regulars watch the

bizarre scene in stunned silence.

DOOM

Roger Rabbit is charged with the cold

blooded murder of a human… Marvin

Acme.  The jury will direct their

attention to exhibits A, B, and C.

The Weasles display photographs of Jessica and Acme playing

pattycake, a blow-up of his fingerprints spelling

RogerRabbitRogerRabbit in the whorls on the photographs, and

a picture of Acme lying under the safe.

DOOM

(continuing)

Motive, evidence, modus operandi.  How

do you find the defendant?

Once again the Kangaroo court wastes no time delivering the

verdict.  The Baby Kangaroos pop up with their Y-O-U A-R-E

G-U-I-L-T-Y signs.

DOOM

(continuing)

Guilty as charged.  Case closed!

Doom slams the briefcase shut.  Now two Weasles wheel the

stainless steel tub filled with dip into the bar.  Another

hands Doom his black rubber gloves.

DOOM

(continuing)

For this heinous crime, I sentence you

to the dip!

ROGER RABBIT

No, no. not the dip!  Eddie, tell him

I didn’t do it!

VALIANT

I don’t think it’s gonna matter.

Sorry, pal, I tried.

DOOM

Yes, and for that you’re charged with

aiding and abetting.  But we’ll let

Santino handle that.

Doom pulls on the rubber gloves.

VALIANT

Hey, doesn’t the rabbit even get a last

request?

ROGER RABBIT

A blindfold, cigarette, noseplugs?

Just kidding.

VALIANT

I think you want a drink.

(to Doom)

How about it, Judge?

DOOM

Well, why not?  I’m feeling magnanimous

tonight.  The successful conclusion of

this case draws the curtain on my

career as a jurist. I’m retiring to

take a new role in the private sector.

VALIANT

Yeah?  Well, don’t expect the Toons to

give you a gold watch.

Valiant pours a glass of whiskey filling it all the way to

the rim.  He holds it out to Roger.

VALIANT

(continuing)

Here you go, kid… say hi to Casper

for me.

ROGER RABBIT

But, Eddie, you know what happens

when…

VALIANT

Drink it, jerk.  All of it.

He grabs Roger’s hand and forces the drink into it.  Roger

shrugs his shoulders and shoots the drink down.  We’ve seen

the reaction before.  Suddenly Roger’s head turns into a

STEAM WHISTLE emitting such a PIERCING BLAST that is sends

everyone into ear-grabbing agony.  Glasses, bottles, mirrors,

even Doom’s glasses SHATTER.  Valiant uses the distraction to

punch the Weasles holding Roger.  He grabs the rabbit by the

scruff of the neck. He gets as assist from Augie, who

couldn’t hear the noise.  Unfazed, Augie whacks a Weasle on

the head with a barstool.  The Midget crawls behind Doom,

who’s been momentarily blinded.  The one-armed Soldier pushes

him over.  Angelo is turning one Weasle’s head around and

around like a cruller.  Finally, Doom gets to his feet.

DOOM

After them you fools…

As the Weasles regroup, Valiant tips the stainless steel tub

over sending the dip spilling toward them.  The Weasles

recoil from the liquid.  Even Doom takes a step backward.

EXT. TERMINAL BAR

Eddie and Roger race down the stairs and toward the Toon

Control Wagon which is parked in front of Doom’s Lincoln,

ROGER RABBIT

Oh, Eddie, that was quick thinkin’.

Nothin’ like usin’ the old noggin, the

noodle, the grey matter…

VALIANT

If I’m so smart, how come I’m runnin’

from the law with a Toon?

Valiant opens the door of the Toon Control wagon, and flings

Roger inside roughly.

INT. CAB

Eddie goes to start the vehicle but the key is gone.   Now

from behind them comes a DEEP RUMBLING VOICE somewhere

between Lord Buckley and Barry White.

VOICE

Excuse me, gentlemen…

Eddie and Roger turn.  A snazzy TOON ROADSTER whose grill

functions as it’s mouth is talking from behind the liquid

bars.

ROADSTER

If you effect my extrication, I

could offer you some carburetion.

Valiant sighs with resignation and slides out of the cab,

Roger in tow.

EXT. REAR OF WAGON

Eddie and Roger come racing around the side of the wagon.

Valiant searches the back of the truck for the on/off switch.

He finds it and turns off the flow of acetone.  The Roadster

zips out of the truck and lands on the pavement, already

flexing and limbering.   Behind him, a comical number of other

TOON DETAINEES hop out like midgets out of a Volkswagon.

They all head for the hills.

ROADSTER

Well… what’re we waitin’ for, the

William Tell Overture?

ANGLE ON TERMINAL BAR – THE WEASLES

come piling out.  They stack up like an Indian totem pole

searching every direction.  One of them spots Eddie and

Roger.  The Weasles stumble all over themselves in a mad

scramble down the stairs.

EDDIE AND ROGER

hop into the sleek two-seater.   Valiant looks at the myriad

of goofy cartoon gauges and switches on the Roadster’s

dashboard.

VALIANT

What do I do?

ROADSTER

You don’t have to do nothin’…

With a ferocious RUBBER BURNING SQUEAL, the Roadster ROARS

off in “no frames”.  The exit is so fast that Eddie and Roger

are left behind, hanging mid-air.  But before they hit the

ground, the Roadster zips back INTO FRAME.  Eddie and Roger

fall back into their seats.  The Roadster bends around so his

grill is facing them.

ROADSTER

(continuing)

Uh… except hang onto your hat.

The Roadster ROARS off again in a cloud of Toon dust.

INT. SANTINO’S COP CAR

coming the other way.  It’s followed by another squad car,

both with SIRENS BLARING.  When the red blur streaks by, Lt.

Santino turns to his PARTNER.

LT. SANTINO

What the hell was that?

PARTNER

Speeding rabbit, Lieutenant.

LT. SANTINO

That’s what I was afraid of.

EXT. STREET

Santino’s car does a 180 degree spin, and goes after the

Roadster.  The second squad car follows.  The Weasles pile

into the Toon Control wagon and join the chase.

INT. THE ROADSTER

rockets down the street, then takes a turn so wide that it

drives up the front of the corner building, then back down on

the sidewalk, just avoiding a newsstand.  The squad car

following is not so dexterous.   It CRASHES into the stand,

sending newspapers flying.

THE ROADSTER

looks back over it’s shoulder, admiring his handiwork.

ROADSTER

Read all about it, Benny’s back in

town!

Up ahead, an egg delivery truck is double-parked in their

lane.  Benny snaps around just as they’re about to crash into

the back of the truck.  There’s nowhere to go.   But Benny’s

cool.

ROADSTER

Going up…

Suddenly, just before impact, the Toon suspension on the car

accordions up, giving it a clearance of about fifteen feet…

just enough to get over the truck.

THE TOON CONTROL WAGON

doesn’t come with this unique feature.  It tries to avoid the

truck but SMASHES into the back, splattering hundreds of eggs

and sending the Weasles flying.

EDDIE AND ROGER

look down from their suspended position at the chaos behind.

ROADSTER

Next floor, sundries, knick knacks,

escaped convicts.  Watch your step.

The Roadster accordions back down to it’s original height and

speeds past TWO MOTORCYCLE COPS.  The motorcycles ROAR after

them.

ROGER RABBIT

Hey, Benny, what were you in for?

ROADSTER

Reckless driving.  Do you believe that?

VALIANT

Hard to imagine.

Benny zig-zags through traffic, scooting between cars, but

the Motorcycle Cops manage to stay on his tail.  Up ahead,

traffic is stopped in his lane.  With nowhere to go, Benny

passes a trolley car moving down the center of the street.

Suddenly, he swerves in front of the trolley to elude the

Cops… only to see another Red Car coming the other way.

ROADSTER

Hold your breath, babies…

Benny sucks in his girth and gets on his tip-toes as the

trollies pass on either side of them.

WIDE SHOT

When the trollies clear, Benny staggers out from between them

still on tip-toes.  Benny plops down, squashes, then pops up

to his old self again.

BEHIND THEM

The crippled Toon Control wagon is struggling to keep up.

Voltaire circles above the truck and picks two Weasles up off

the roof.  They’re each carrying several sticks of dynamite.

FROM THE AIR

We see Voltaire flying after the Roadster, which is speeding

along the palm-lined Elysian Park Drive.  The Weasles light

the dynamite sticks and with WHEEZING delight, bombard the

car below.

BENNY

swerves right and left dodging the EXPLOSIONS.  Now a stick

of dynamite falls into the back seat, fuse burning.  Benny

looks back.

ROADSTER

Hate to sound like Chicken Little, but

is the sky falling or what?

Eddie and Roger turn to see the dynamite, fuse burning low.

Valiant makes a desperate grab for it.  But it rolls under

the front seat.  Roger jumps in Eddie’s lap.

ABOVE – VOLTAIRE AND THE WEASLES

satisfied that they’ve hit their target, swoop back to the

Toon Control wagon.

IN THE ROADSTER

Valiant tries to untangle himself from Roger.

VALIANT

Grab it, you idiot!

Finally, at the last second, Roger reaches down and picks the

dynamite up like a hot potato.  He flips it out of the

Roadster.

THE DYNAMITE

spins through the air, finally landing on the roof just as

Voltaire and the Weasles arrive.  BOOM!  The Toon Control

wagon is demolished.  When the smoke clears we see the

Weasles and Voltaire scattered roadside, faces blackened,

feathers smoking.

EXT. ECHO PARK STREET

Benny is leading a merry chase up and down the hills.  Beside

the two Motorcycles, there are half a dozen squad cars.  But

as Benny comes over the last rise, we see the road deadends

at Echo Park Lake.  The police have blocked off the

perpendicular streets with squad cars.  Eddie and Roger see

the deadend fast approaching.  Roger covers his eyes with his

ears.  Valiant braces himself.

VALIANT

The brakes!  The brakes!

Benny hits the brakes.  Smoke pours out as they burn up and

the momentum is barely broken.

ROADSTER

Forget the brakes, who brought the

water wings?

The Roadster SMASHES through the wooden guard rail and sails

out over the water.  KERPLOP!  It splashes down in the lake.

THE POLICE CARS

SCREECH to a stop at the edge of the lake.  Santino jumps out

and regards the floating Roadster.  He turns to the other

cops with a smirk.  When he turns back again, the smirk

disappears from his face.

ANGLE ON LAKE

Benny is calmly swimming away using his fenders to do the

crawl.  Now they pass a spooning COUPLE in a rowboat.  The

couple regard them open-mouthed.

THE EDGE OF THE LAKE

Benny nears the shoreline, touches bottom and wades out.

When they hit dry land, Benny shakes off like a dog.  He REVS

HIS ENGINE.

ROADSTER

Maybe it’s my imagination, but I always

seem to run better after I’ve had a

wash.

(turns)

Now where can I drop you cats?

As Benny ROARS off…

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEY – DAY

Benny peeks around the corner, then tip-toes into view. down

the alley until he stops in front of a back door.  Eddie and

Roger climb out.

VALIANT

Thanks, Benny.

ROADSTER

If you ever need me, just stick out

your thumb.

WHOOSH!  Benny is gone.  Valiant goes to the door and unlocks

it.  As he and Roger head up the back stairs…

CUT TO:

INT. BUILDING – CLOSE – DOORWAY

A hand painted design on the rippled glass shows a knight on

a white charger.  On the shield in bold letters it says,

“Veritas”.  And lettered around it — “Valiant and Valiant –

Private Investigation”.

VALIANT

sticks his key in the door and unlocks it.  Roger studies the

banner.

ROGER RABBIT

Valiant and Valiant?  Who’s the other

Valiant?

VALIANT

My brother.  Get inside.

He pushes Roger into the office.

INT. OFFICE

It’s a typical detective office — a couch, a sink, a window

— except for the partner’s desk in the middle of the room.

There’s a chair on each side.  Valiant closes the door and

locks it.

ROGER RABBIT

So what’s our plan, our scenario, our

modus operandi?

VALIANT

We can’t do anything till it’s dark.

Valiant picks up some yellowed newspapers off the couch and

dumps them on the floor.  They leave a clean spot on the

couch.

ROGER RABBIT

Guess you haven’t been here in a while.

(reads

headline)

‘Japs Bomb Pearl Harbor’.

Roger walks over to the wall.  He takes a framed picture off

the wall which shows two guys clowning with Mickey Mouse.

ROGER RABBIT

Say, who’s this guy laughin’?

VALIANT

Me.

ROGER RABBIT

Gee, I didn’t recognize you… I’ve

never seen you laugh before.  That your

brother makin’ the rabbit ears?

VALIANT

What is this, Twenty Questions?

Valiant grabs the picture from Roger and re-hangs it.

VALIANT

(continuing)

I’m gonna get some sleep.  I suggest

you do the same.

Valiant stretches out on the couch.  Roger nudges him to move

over so he can lie down.  Grudgingly, Valiant slides over a

fraction giving Roger a tiny piece of the couch.  They lie

head to foot.

CLOSEUP – VALIANT

The problems of the day are knitting his brow.  Finally his

eyes close.  After a beat, we HEAR Roger SNORING.  It’s LOUD.

Valiant’s eyes pop open.  He rolls over.  WIDEN THE SHOT to

see what he sees.

ABOVE ROGER’S HEAD – A TOON DREAM BUBBLE

has appeared.  Inside the bubble is a saw sawing back and

forth through a log.  It is SYNCHRONIZED to the SOUND of

Roger’s SNORE.  Valiant kicks Roger, trying to stop the

infernal SOUND.

Roger sits up.

ROGER RABBIT

Huh?

In the dream bubble, the saw cuts through the log.  One end

of the log falls out of the bubble and BONKS Roger on the

head, knocking him unconscious.  Valiant shakes his head and

closes his eyes again.  We PAN UP off his face and PAST the

window where the sun is setting.  As the CAMERA MOVES ALONG

THE WALL, we see a gallery of framed newspaper clippings.

“Valiant and Valiant Crack Popeye Kidnapping – Return Sweepea

to Loving Arms of Parents”.  And… “Brothers Find Brothers:

Heckle and Jeckle Rescued From Redwood Forest!”  And…

“Goofy Cleared of Atomic Spying Charges”.  The PAN CONTINUES

until we get to the window again.  Now it’s dark outside.

MOVE DOWN to Valiant’s sleeping face.  He stirs. then opens

one eye.  Now they both pop open at what he sees.

VALIANT’S POV

Roger has a magnifying glass an inch in front of his face

that distorts his grinning face hideously.

VALIANT

startled from his sleep, reflexively shoves Roger away from

him.  He flies into a swivel chair and goes spinning around.

VALIANT

You damn Toon!  No wonder they picked

you for the patsy.  Always gotta play

the fool.  You make me sick!

ROGER RABBIT

Gee, you shamuses are a tough audience,

but what happened to you that was so

dark, lurid, embittering?

VALIANT

You wanna know?  Well, since you’re so

goddamn curious, I’ll tell ya.  One of

you Toons killed my brother.

ROGER RABBIT

A Toon?  Noooo.

VALIANT

Yeah, a Toon.  It was the guy who

killed Bambi’s mother.

ROGER RABBIT

Him?  Oh, he was vile, heinous,

despicable… a smear on the drafting

board.

VALIANT

Yeah, everybody thought so.  But me and

Teddy got a kick out of Toons.  All

Toons.  We couldn’t see the bad in ’em.

And when this guy was accused of

knockin’ over the First National Bank

of Toontown, we took his case.  But

when we looked into it, we found out he

did do it after all.  We went to his

house to take him in.  But he was wise.

He got the drop on us… literally.

ROGER RABBIT

(wincing)

Safe?

VALIANT

Piano.  Guy got away, disappeared into

Toontown.  Nobody ever saw him again.

Now the PHONE on the desk RINGS.  Roger makes a move to it.

ROGER RABBIT

I’ll get it.

VALIANT

Get away from there.

The PHONE RINGS TWO MORE TIMES and stops.

ROGER RABBIT

Wrong number?

VALIANT

No, it’s not.

Valiant goes to the phone anticipating a RING which comes

after a moment.  Valiant picks up the receiver.

VALIANT

(continuing)

Dolores?

INTERCUT:

DOLORES

on the phone in the Terminal Bar.

DOLORES

I was hopin’ you’d be there.  Maroon’s

called here about four times.  He says

he’s gotta talk to you tonight.  He

says he can help you.

VALIANT

I’ll bet.

DOLORES

Are you gonna call him, Eddie?

VALIANT

What’ve I got to lose?  You okay,

Dolores?

DOLORES

Yeah… they closed me down for a

coupla weeks.

VALIANT

That’ll work out just fine.  When this

thing is over, I’ll take you to

Catalina.  How does that sound?

DOLORES

Familiar.  Be careful, Eddie.

Dolores hangs up the phone.

INTERCUT TO:

VALIANT

He CLICKS the switchhook and dials.

VALIANT

Maroon?  Whaddaya want?

MAROON

(on phone)

Have you got the will?

VALIANT

Maybe.  Why?

MAROON

(on phone)

Meet me at my studio at nine o’clock.

If you’ve got the will maybe we can

stop this thing.

VALIANT

Stop what?

CLICK.  Maroon has hung up.  Valiant hangs up the phone and

goes to a wall safe.  He spins the combination.

ROGER RABBIT

Gee, Eddie, you’re not gonna go, are

ya?  Maroon’ll be layin’ for ya at nine

o’clock.

VALIANT

That’s why I’ll be there at 8:45.

ROGER RABBIT

I tell you what, maybe I better come

with you.

VALIANT

Forget it.

Valiant reaches into the safe for a .38 revolver.  He checks

the cylinder. Then he takes out a wooden box about 8″ X 12″.

He closes the safe, picks up a black doctor’s bag and puts

the box and the revolver into it.

ROGER RABBIT

You know, Eddie, I’m not as much of a

chump, and a patsy, a yokel as you

think.

VALIANT

How much is a shave and a haircut,

Roger?

ROGER RABBIT

(sheepish)

Two bits.

VALIANT

I rest my case.

Valiant goes to the door, pauses.

VALIANT

(continuing)

If I don’t make it back here by ten…

ROGER RABBIT

Yeah?

VALIANT

… I’d head for Cucamonga.

Valiant closes the door, leaving Roger alone.  Roger paces

back and forth manically.

ROGER RABBIT

Cucamonga?  I don’t know anybody in

Cucamonga.

EXT. MAROON STUDIO – NIGHT

The lot is dark and deserted.  Now headlights cut through the

darkness as Maroon’s Packard pulls up in front of the

Administration building.

INT. CAR – MAROON

reaches over and opens the glove compartment.  He takes out a

small automatic.  But his hands are so slippery with

perspiration, it falls to the floor.  Cursing, he takes out

a handkerchief, wipes his hands and his face and picks up the

gun again.  As he gets out of the car, we see the clock says

8:55.

INT. ADMINISTRATION BUILDING – NIGHT

Maroon hustles up to his office door.  He looks nervously

over his shoulder, then goes inside.

INT. MAROON’S OFFICE

Maroon switches on the lights.  He goes to his desk.  He

takes out the gun and puts it in the left hand drawer.  Then

he takes it out and puts it in the right hand drawer.  Then

back to the original drawer.  Finally satisfied, he goes to

the bar to calm his obviously shattered nerves.  As his

shakey hand starts to pour from the decanter, another hand

comes INTO FRAME.

VALIANT

Steady, R.K., that stuff’s eighteen

years old.

Maroon jumps back as Valiant steps from behind the curtain,

holding his black bag.

MAROON

Valiant!  You surprised me.

VALIANT

That was the idea.

Valiant takes over the pouring duties.  He turns and carries

Maroon’s drink to him.  Maroon goes and sits down in his

chair.  He looks to the pistol hiding place.  Valiant

casually sits on the desk, putting his legs over the drawer.

VALIANT

You’re not too good at this, are you,

R.K.?

MAROON

No… I’m not.  I’m a cartoon maker,

not a murderer.

VALIANT

Well, everybody needs a hobby.

MAROON

No, you gotta understand, Valiant, I

had nothin’ to do with Acme gettin’

killed.  I just wanted to sell my

studio.  But they wouldn’t buy my

property unless Acme would sell his.

And he wouldn’t.  So I was gonna

blackmail Acme with pictures of him and

the rabbit’s wife.

Maroon gets up from his chair, highly agitated.

MAROON

(continuing)

But then it all went to hell.  I been

around Toons all my life.  I can’t sit

around and see them all destroyed.

Maroon eyes Valiant’s black bag.

MAROON

(continuing)

You got the will in there, don’t ya?

VALIANT

No, I don’t.

MAROON

You tricked me, damn you!

VALIANT

Take it easy.

MAROON

There’s no time to take it easy!  You

don’t realize the diabolical mind we’re

dealing with!

ANGLE ON WINDOW

A gun pokes through the open window past the curtain.  It’s a

Colt .45 Buntline — an unmistakeable gun with an extra long

barrel.

MAROON

If I don’t get that will by midnight

tonight, Toontown’s just gonna be land

for the free…

VALIANT

sees a reflection of the gun on the glass on a movie poster

on the wall.  He turns.  But it’s too late.  BANG!  BANG!

BANG!  Maroon crumples, caught mid-sentence.  Valiant dives

behind the desk and draws his gun.  He looks over at Maroon’s

dead body on the floor.

VALIANT

And the home of the brave?

Valiant crawls to the window where the shots came from.  He

looks out.

VALIANT’S POV

The comely silhouette of Jessica Rabbit runs to her car,

jumps in and ROARS out the the studio gates.

VALIANT

grabs his black bag, climbs out of the office window and

jumps off the fire escape to the lot below.

EXT. STUDIO LOT

Valiant hops into Maroon’s Packard.  He hits the starter

button and takes off after Jessica.

NEW ANGLE

as the car pulls away, the trunk lid lifts.  Roger Rabbit

peers out, disoriented.  Then closes it.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Jessica’s car speeds along.  Valiant is in close pursuit in

the Packard.  He’s about to catch up on the straightaway when

Jessica’s car disappears into a tunnel.

VALIANT

slams on his brakes.  The Packard goes fishtailing, finally

spinning to a stop at the foot of the “Toontown” sign.

Valiant gets out of the car.  He looks down the tunnel.  He’s

sweating.  He loosens his necktie.  He paces back and forth

at the tunnel mouth.  He looks up at the Toontown sign and

suddenly smashes it with his fist.  It spins around like a

weathervane.

Valiant walks to the Packard with purpose.  He grabs the

black bag and puts it on the hood.  He opens it and takes out

the wooden box.

CLOSE – BOX

as the clasp is popped and the box opened, REVEAL a stunning

presentation model TOON .38 resting on crushed velvet.  It’s

everything a real gun could be… and more.  Each feature is

exaggerated… the barrel, the cylinder, the ivory grips are

all Toon-sized.

VALIANT

picks the gun up and hefts it respectfully.  Then he opens an

ammo section in the wooden box. SIX TOON .38 DUM-DUM BULLETS

are in velvet creases.  The Toon Bullets blink to life as if

awakening from a long sleep.

DUM-DUM #l

(rubbing eyes)

Eddie… is that really you?

VALIANT

Uh-huh.

DUM-DUM #2

What year is it?

VALIANT

’46.

DUM-DUM #3

Who won the war?

DUM-DUM #4

Who do you think, dummy?

DUM-DUM #5

Welcome back, Eddie.

DUM-DUM #6

Where you been the last five years?

VALIANT

Drunk.

He opens the cylinder.

VALIANT

(continuing)

Feelin’ frisky tonight, boys?

DUM-DUMS

Yeah!

The Bullets eagerly dive into their respective chambers.  He

snaps the cylinder closed, reaches into his shoulder holster

and takes out the pint bottle.  He unscrews the cap and pours

the rest of the booze onto the ground.  When it’s drained, he

flings the bottle in the air and FIRES the Toon .38.  KA-POW!

It makes a SOUND like a CANNON.

THE TOON BULLET

climbs like a rocket into the dark sky.  It SCREECHES up to

the bottle, puts on the brakes.  The Bullet puts on a

jeweler’s eyepiece, then it whips out a little hammer and

chisel acd delivers one delicate tap.

VALIANT

watches as a cut glass chandelier falls out of the sky and

CRASHES at his feet.  Valiant holsters his weapon and climbs

into the Packard.  He puts it in gear and pulls into the

tunnel.

IN THE TUNNEL – DRIVING

As Valiant heads toward the proverbial light at the end of

the tunnel, suddenly the CAR RADIO COMES ON.

RADIO ANNOUNCER

… From the tippy tip top of

Toontown’s Tip Top Club, this is Mellow

Melody Matinee.  Here’s our favorite

cricket, Jimmy, with ‘Give A Little

Whistle’.

JIMINY CRICKET

(on radio)

‘When you get in trouble, and you don’t

know right from wrong…’

Valiant turns the on/off switch, then punches all the buttons

but to no avail.  The SONG PLAYS ON anyway.

JIMINY CRICKET

(continuing)

‘… Give a little whistle

Give a little whistle…’

VALIANT

I hate Toontown…

As Jimmy croons on, Valiant emerges from the tunnel.

VALIANT’S FOV

Through the windshield we see we have arrived in Toontown,

where it’s a beautiful sunny day.  Eddie is now driving down

a phantasmagorical boulevard in a completely animated world.

It’s a Max Fleischer version of a city neighborhood.  The

trees and buildings are swaying in time with the MUSIC.

Eddie looks to his left and sees a huge Aphrodite-like hood

ornament on the front of a TOON CAR.  Then as the car starts

to pass him he sees hood… hood… hood… more hood then a

CHAUFFEUR, then more car, and finally the Wolf we remember

from the Ink & Paint Club.  He’s in top hat and tails, a TOON

LAMB in the passenger seat.  He tips his hat.

WOLF

Helloooo, cousin.

Now he drives past a Toon building under construction.  Like

everything else in Toontown. the construction company sports

the name “Acme”.  The sign out frontsays:  WATCH OUR

PROGRESS.  Eddie looks up, and before he can drive by, the

building gets built floor by floor with accompanying SFX in

about two seconds.

Up ahead, the street is clear for blocks.  Then suddenly cars

pour out of all side streets at once, clogging the boulevard

like arteriosclerosis.  There is mad HONKING in this cartoon

traffic jam.  Eddie shakes his head.  He pulls over, parks

and gets out.

Valiant pulls out his Toon .38.  Suddenly, the street empties

in the blink of an eye.  Shutters close, and the sidewalk

rolls up like window shades.  It’s so quiet you could hear a

pin drop.  In fact, a PIN DROPS from a second story window,

landing with the CLANG! of a manhole cover.  All is quiet

again.  Valiant starts across the street — there is a CREAK

behind him.  Valiant whirls around, levelling his pistol at

the sound.

ANGLE ON PACKARD – ROGER

peeks out of the trunk of Maroon’s car.

ROGER RABBIT

Don’t shoot, Eddie.  It’s me.

Valiant lowers the gun as Roger emerges.

VALIANT

What the hell are you doin’ in there?

ROGER RABBIT

I followed you to the Maroon Studios.

When I heard those shots, I thought I’d

help you and investigate the inside of

this trunk.

Valiant reaches into the black bag in the car.  He comes out

with a pair of TOON HANDCUFFS.  He slaps one on Roger’s

wrist.

ROGER RA13BIT

(continuing)

Hey, what’re you doin’?

Valiant drags Roger to the steering wheel.

VALIANT

I’m making sure you don’t help me

anymore.

He locks the cuff to it, and heads across the street.

AROUND THE CORNER – VALIANT

stops at a street sign.  The post is bristling with fingers

pointing in different directions; i.e., Poughkeepsie,

Transylvania, Walla Walla, South Pole (the finger points down

of course), and finally a finger which says:  The Dame.

Eddie follows the finger down the side street to a high rise

building.

He catches a glimpse of Jessica darting into the elevators.

Valiant hustles inside after her.

Valiant goes to the elevators, and watches the floor

indicator spinning round and Round, finally stopping with a

BING at the 125th floor.  The elevator doors open and Valiant

steps on.

IN THE ELEVATOR

Valiant punches 125.  Suddenly the elevator takes out with

such velocity that Valiant is thrown to the floor.  After a

moment, it stops so fast that he hits the ceiling.  Then

bounces back to the floor as the doors open.  He picks

himself up and steps off the elevator.

He’s in a foyer with four doors.  Valiant opens the first and

steps inside.  He disappears.

NEW ANGLE

Valiant is on the outside of the building hanging onto a

flagpole for dear life.  He looks down at the street which

looks miles below.  Valiant inches back along the flagpole to

the door and pulls himself to safety.

INSIDE – VALIANT

tries the next door.  This time more carefully.  A SPEEDING

TRAIN is coming right at him.  He slams the door.  He tries

the next one.  A homely OLD TOON LADY is in a bathtub.  She

lets out a BLOODCURDLING SCREAM.  Valiant closes that door

quickly, and turns to the last.  When he opens this one, we

HEAR FOREBODING MUSIC.  We see…

A DARK ALLEY

Warily, Valiant walks into the alley, gun drawn.  There’s a

NOISE behind the garbage cans.  Valiant turns as a DEAD BODY

with a knife in his back falls out of the shadows at

Valiant’s feet.  A SQUEAKY VOICE comes from behind Valiant.

VOICE

I guess they didn’t clean up after the

last moider.

Valiant whips around to see a TOON RAT perched on a skull

picking his teeth.  Valiant kicks the skull.  The rat

scrambles for cover.

As Valiant continues on, we see…

JESSICA RABBIT

Steps out of the shadows behind him and aim the gun at his

back.

JESSICA RABBIT

Don’t move, Valiant.

Valiant turns slowly to see Jessica’s got a bead on him with

her revolver.

VALIANT

Well… I always figured I’d get it in

Toontown.

BLAM!  She fires.  But Valiant’s still standing.  We HEAR a

CRASH behind Eddie as a figure falls into some boxes from a

fire escape above.

JESSICA RABBIT

I think I got him.

Jessica runs past Valiant to the figure.  He follows,

bewildered.

ANGLE ON GROUND

We can see two rabbit ears sticking out from behind a box

VALIANT

You shot Roger.

JESSICA RABBIT

That’s not Roger.  It’s one of Doom’s

men.  He killed R.K. Maroon.

Jessica moves the box aside and tugs on the rabbit ears.  The

rabbit head pops off.  Underneath is a Weasle.  In his hand

is the Colt .45 Buntline.

VALIANT

Lady, I guess I had you pegged wrong.

JESSICA RABBIT

Don’t worry, you’re not the first.  We

better get out of here.

As they run down the alley…

CUT TO:

THE PACKARD – ROGER

is behind the wheel making ENGINE NOISES like a little kid.

He pushes all the buttons, windshield wipers, convertible

top, etcetera, until he accidentally hits the starter button.

VROOM!  The Packard fires to life.  Roger’s startled for a

moment, but quickly regains his composure.

ROGER RABBIT

Hmmm… What would be the harm if I

took her for a spin?

He throws it into gear.  The Packard bucks into the car in

front of it.  Then Roger shifts again.  The same process is

repeated in reverse.  He SMASHES back and forth.  BANG!

BANG!

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

Ah… the open road.

AROUND THE CORNER – EDDIE AND JESSICA

come racing down the street.

JESSICA RABBIT

It was Doom who killed Acme, you know?

VALIANT

Why didn’t you tell me?

JESSICA RABBIT

I didn’t know who I could trust.

VALIANT

We’re even.  By the way, I did find

your husband.

JESSICA RABBIT

(excited)

Where is he?

VALIANT

He’s right here in the…

Valiant rounds the corner and points toward the spot where

the car used to be.  But all that remains is a crumpled

bumper.

VALIANT

(continuing)

… car.

He shakes his head and looks around for signs of Roger.

INTERCUT TO:

THE PACKARD

is careening down Toon streets totally out of control.

Panicked, Roger is spinning the wheel as if it were a

motorboat.  He drives in one side of Mother Goose’s Shoe and

out the other, diapers all over the windshield.  Unable to

see, Roger steers right off the road.  The car hurtles

through space.  As it starts to fall, we see it’s Toon

Monument Valley.  The Packard passes a promontory on which

WILE E. COYOTE is perched.  As Roger passes, he waves to the

Coyote.

ROGER RABBIT

Hi, Roger Rabbit.  Love your work.

INTERCUT TO:

EDDIE AND JESSICA

who are now facing a squad of TEN Toon Control Weasles.  They

unleash a fusilade of bullets.

Valiant knocks Jessica to the ground.  The bullets pass

harmlessly overhead going into the window of the Acme Cheese

Shop, riddling a round of cheese.  The CHEESEMAKER’S hand

comes INTO FRAME changing the sign that says “Gouda” to

“Swiss”.

Valiant rolls and FIRES his Toon .38 Special.  The Toon

Bullet turns into a cannonball, which rolls down the street

busting up the Weasle squad like a bowling ball through ten

pins.

As Eddie pulls Jessica to her feet, two more Weasles descend

on them.  They fling Toon knives, which pin Eddie to a wooden

fence.  Valiant rips one hand free, and BLASTS two shots at

them.

The Toon Bullets get to the Weasles, and open their nose

cones.  Two frying pans emerge and BONK the Weasles on the

head.

Jessica starts to pull the knives out, releasing Eddie.

VALIANT

How did you get onto Doom?

JESSICA RABBIT

Marvin told me.  Doom was after his

land.  Ne was afraid.  That’s why he

brought me his will.

Valiant sees a Weasle skulking at them with a tommygun.

BLAM!  Valiant fires at him.  The Weasle ducks back around

the corner.  But Valiant’s Dum-Dum SCREECHES to a stop and

goes around the corner, too.  We HEAR an EXPLOSION.  The

Weasle come staggering out and falls in the street.

VALIANT

So where is it?

JESSICA RABBIT

When I opened up the blue envelope, all

that was inside was a blank piece of

paper.

VALIANT

A joker to the end.

Now Weasles are coming at them from every direction.  Valiant

aims the Toon .38 at a Toon tank rolling their way.  But when

he pulls the trigger, the gun just CLICKS.  Empty.

JESSICA RABBIT

Looks like our goose is cooked, our

hash is slung, our fait is accompli…

VALIANT

Lemme guess where you got that from.

Tell me somethin’, what’d you ever see

in that guy anyway?

JESSICA RABBIT

He made me laugh.

Valiant shakes his head.  Now they are completely surrounded

by Weasles.  The situation looks bleak.

VALIANT

Well, do you prefer to die this way or

that way?

Valiant jerks his thumb indicating the direction behind him.

Suddenly, there’s a rubber-burning SCREECH as Benny the

Roadster arrives next to Valiant’s hitchhiker-posed thumb.

ROADSTER

Need a lift?

Valiant does a take.

VALIANT

Benny.

The Roadster looks back approvingly as Jessica climbs in with

Eddie.

ROADSTER

Mr. Valiant, you’ve made a vast

improvement in the company you keep.

Benny blasts through a couple of Weasles.  They swing back

and forth like tavern doors, then topple.

He takes a hard right into the next block which is the Toon

Arctic.  His tires turn into skis.  He slaloms back and forth

between trees.  The Weasles pursue on dogsled.

Benny grabs a striped barber’s pole — the North Pole — and

slides down it.  They land in the Toon Sahara.  Benny crawls

up a large sand dune, his tongue hanging out of his radiator.

He glances back at the Weasles who are mounted on camels,

waving scimitars.  When they reach the top of the sand dune,

we see they’re on the precipice of a bottomless chasm.

ROADSTER

Look, the drawbridge — we’re gonna

make it.

VALIANT

I don’t see any bridge.

ROADSTER

That’s because you gotta draw it first.

Benny takes a pencil hanging from a post lettered “Draw

Bridge”.  He wets the pencil point and in a flash draws a

bridge.  It’s a rickety rope bridge.  Using the pencil as a

balancing pole, Benny starts to tiptoe across.

The Weasles jump off t’heir camels and start filing onto the

bridge after them.

When Benny finally reaches the other side, Valiant grabs the

pencil from him and gets out of the car.

VALIANT

Hold on a second.

JESSICA RABBIT

Eddie, come on.

But Valiant stands facing the Weasles, who are charging at

him, swords raised.  With a sly smile, Valiant holds up the

eraser end of the pencil.  This freezes the Weasles.  But as

Valiant starts to erase a rope support, the eraser breaks off

the pencil and falls down into the chasm.  The Weasles WHEEZE

with relief and advance for the kill.  At the last second,

Valiant takes the business end of the pencil and scribbles a

handsaw.  He grabs it by the handle and saws the rope.  The

bridge swings away, smacking the Weasles into the opposite

canyon wall.  One by one, they slide off and disappear into

the abyss.

VALIANT

climbs back into Benny.  The Roadster takes off again, making

a skidding left turn onto the main drag.  As they make their

break into the Toontown tunnel…

EXT. TOONTOWN TUNNEL – L.A. SIDE – NIGHT

A ten gallon drum is sitting by the side of the road under

the Toontown sign.  From in the tunnel we hear the SOUND of

Benny’s ENGINE coming closer.  Now a foot comes out of the

shadows and rests on the ten gallon drum.  As the SOUND of

the ROADSTER gets VERY LOUD, the foot kicks the drum over,

spilling a clear liquid across the road.

NEW ANGLE – THE FOOT

belongs to Judge Doom.  Doom smiles sadistically as the

Roadster with Eddie and Jessica aboard comes shooting out of

the tunnel.  When Benny hits the liquid, he starts to skid.

ROADSTER

Uh-oh… whoaaa…!  Look out!

His tires smoke, then disappear. It’s a dip slick.  Without

tires, Benny spins out of control, finally ending up in the

bushes roadside.

Before Eddie and Jessica can make a move, they are surrounded

by a horde of Weasles pointing what looks like a hundred guns

at them.

DOOM

Are you two all right?

Doom opens one of the Roadster’s doors and helps Jessica out.

Valiant climbs out after her.  The Weasles quickly relieve

him of his Toon pistol.

DOOM

(continuing)

These roads can be very treacherous at

night, especially in a maniacal Toon

vehicle.

VALIANT

The pot’s callin’ the kettle maniacal.

DOOM

I’ve had enough of your insolence!

(to Weasles)

Put him in my car.  I think they’ll

enjoy attending our ribbon cutting at

the Acme factory.

The Weasles prod Valiant and Jessica into Doom’s Lincoln.  A

Weasle refers to Benny WHIMPERING in the bushes.

WEASLE

What about him?

DOOM

He’s not going anywhere.  We’ll send

the mobile unit after him.

Doom climbs into the car and it zooms off, Weasles jumping

onto the running boards.

BENNY

crawls out of the bushes on his axles.

ROADSTER

The boinin’, the boinin’…

He makes it down into the drainage ditch, dipping his

tootsies one by one.  There’s a HISS as they hit the water

and the chemicals from the dip are extinguished.

ROADSTER

(continuing)

Oh, yeah… that’s better.

Now Benny hears the SOUND of another VEHICLE COMING out of

the Toontown Tunnel.  He ducks down and peeks over the ditch

to see…

ROGER IN THE PACKARD

come SCREAMING out of the tunnel backwards.  Maroon’s Packard

looks like the winner of a demolition derby.

Benny stands and waves to him.

ROADSTER

Roger!

Roger sees him and slams on the brakes, skidding the Packard

into the Toontown sign.

ROGER RABBIT

Benny?

Benny hobbles over to the Packard.  He pops his trunk and

rummages around.  He comes out with Toon boltcutters.  He

clips Roger’s cuffs off.

ROADSTER

Doom’s got your wife and Valiant.  He

took them to the Acme factory,

ROGER RABBIT

Let’s go!

Benny nudges Roger to the passenger side.

ROADSTER

Slide over, son.  It looks like you’ve

done enough drivin’ for tonight.

Now the Toon Roadster gingerly gets behind the wheel of the

Packard.  He hits the gas and the Packard lurches down the

road.

INT. ACME FACTORY – NIGHT

Doom’s car is parked inside.  There are several other

vehicles as well.  There’s a steamroller, a road grader, and

a huge modified tanker truck.  It’s mounted with a thousand

gallon vat, the contents of which are being stirred by a

motorized unit.  All the vehicles are marked with a large

green four-leaf clover logo.

VALIANT AND JESSICA

are held at gunpoint by a couple of Weasles, while several

others are busy JACKHAMMERING the brick wall at the far end

of the factory.  Doom pulls on his rubber gloves, turns to

the Weasles.

DOOM

Frisk them.  See if they have the will.

Several Weasles rush for the opportunity to frisk Jessica.

The head Weasle slaps the others away.  Then WHEEZING

laciviously, he turns to the task.  He starts to move his

hands over her body when Jessica stomps her heel on his feet.

JESSICA RABBIT

Get your hands off me, you little

rodent!

The Weasle hops away angrily and quickly frisks Valiant.  He

turns to Doom and shakes his head.

DOOM

No matter.

(checks watch)

I don’t expect the will to show up in

the next fifteen minutes.  By then

Cloverleaf will own Toontown quite

legally.

VALIANT

So you’re Cloverleaf?

DOOM

No one person is Cloverleaf.  We’re a

vast company with diverse interests…

gasoline, tires, automobiles.

AT THE BRICK WALL

The jackhammering has stopped.  A Weasle plucks one brick out

of the wall.  Toon light beams through.  He reaches into the

hole in the wall and comes out holding a bunch of Toon

bananas.  WHEEZING wickedly, he passes them out to his

compatriots.  They devour the bananas, throwing the peels

helter-skelter.

VALIANT

turns his attention from the brick wall back to Doom.

VALIANT

Come on, Doom.  What would a company

like that want with Toontown?

DOOM

It wasn’t Toontown they wanted.  It was

my idea of how to put the land to

better use.

Doom goes to the truck and starts turning on valves and

starting compressors.

DOOM

(continuing)

In fact, they thought my concept so

brilliant, that they offered me the

Directorship of Transportation.  I’ve

accepted.

(to Weasle)

Bring me Mr. Valiant’s gun.

The Weasle trots over and delivers Valiant’s Toon .38.  Doom

inspects it.  He reads an engraving on the frame.

DOOM

(continuing)

‘Thanks for getting me out of the

hoosegow.  Yosemite Sam’.

(looks up)

How sweet.

Doom throws the gun on the ground.  He pushes back a long

lever on the truck, letting loose a tiny spurt of fluid from

the discharge valve.  The gun disappears.

JESSICA RABBIT

Dip?

DOOM

That’s right.  Enough to dip Toontown

off the face of the earth.

EXT. ACME FACTORY – ROGER AND BENNY

have been watching the proceedings through a window.  They

turn to each other stunned.

BENNY/ROGER RABBIT

Dip Toontown?

ROGER RABBIT

We gotta do something!

Roger scurries back to the Packard hidden outside the gates.

He opens Valiant’s black bag and comes out holding Eddie’s

real pistol.  Benny comes tenderfooting up.

ROADSTER

Roger, what’re you gonna do with that

gun?

ROGER RABBIT

I’m gonna save them, of course.  You go

for help.  Find Dolores at the Terminal

Bar.  She’ll know what to do.

ROADSTER

Well… all right…

Reluctantly, Benny gets behind the wheel of the Packard.

ROADSTER

(continuing)

But you be careful now with that gun.

This ain’t no cartoon.

Benny pulls away.  Roger turns with determination and zips

back to the window

INT. FACTORY

Doom pulls the tarp off the top of the truck, revealing a

modified water cannon.

JESSICA RABBIT

You’re sick, Doom.  Where do people

like you come from?

DOOM

Never mind where I come from.  Just

watch where I’m going.

VALIANT

Don’t you think anyone’s gonna notice

that Toontown’s gone?

DOOM

They won’t care.  Who’s going to miss

some ridiculous talking mice when they

can have the future?

EXT. BACK OF FACTORY – ROGER

is trying to jimmy open a window using his whole body for

leverage.  He finally pops the window open.  Gun drawn, he

climbs over the sill.  And falls head first.

INT. BATHROOM

Roger splashes into the toilet bowl in the Acme washroom.  He

bobs up.  He drains the water out of the pistol barrel and

peeks over the bowl.  He gets a determined look in his eye.

ROGER RABBIT

It’s time to make my move.

Roger starts to climb out of the toilet.  He reaches for

something to grab onto.  Unwittingly, he gets the toilet

chain hanging from the tank above.  As he pulls himself out,

the toilet flushes.   Roger has only a moment to register a

dumbfounded expression before he is sucked down the john.

IN THE FACTORY – DOOM

continues expansively.

DOOM

Right here where we’re standing, will

be the cornerstone of my idea… the

cloverleaf — an elegant cement

structure that intertwines freeways.

VALIANT

What the hell’s a freeway?

DOOM

A freeway, Mr. Valiant, is eight lanes

of asphalt running uninterrupted from

L.A. to Pasadena.  Pasadena to

Hollywood.  Hollywood to Santa Monica.

Someday everyone will be in cars

driving happily, non-stop from one end

of the L.A. Basin to another.

VALIANT

That’s what this is all about?  Tell

me, who’s gonna use your lousy freeway?

We got the Red Cars, the best public

transportation in the country.

DOOM

Not for long.  We’re retiring the Red

Cars.  People will drive, Mr. Valiant,

because they’ll have to.  And when they

drive, they’ll have to buy our cars,

our tires, our gasoline.

JESSICA RABBIT

Why’d you bother to call it a freeway?

Doom steps up into their faces.  Behind him, several Weasles

are fashioning a noose.

DOOM

Has a nice ring.  Too bad you two won’t

be around to enjoy it.

Suddenly Roger EXPLODES out of the drainage grate in the

floor.  His entrance sends the Weasles flying.  Roger lands

on his feet, James Cagney-like, levelling his gun on Judge

Doom.

ROGER RABBIT

Get ’em up.  All of you!  Or I let the

Judge have it!

JESSICA RABBIT

Roger, darling!

ROGER RABBIT

Yes, it’s me, my dearest.  I’d embrace

you but first I have to take care of

some unfinished business.

DOOM

Put that gun down, you buck-toothed

fool.

ROGER RABBIT

Go ahead.  Give me an excuse to fill

you full of holes, pump you full of

lead.

(over shoulder)

How’m I doin’, Eddie?

VALIANT

Real good, Rog… but maybe you better

let me take over.

ROGER RABBIT

Not before I satisfy my sense of moral

outrage.

Milking the moment, he shifts the gun from one hand to

another.  He circles Doom, poking and prodding him with the

gun.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

You think you could get away with this?

Hah!  We Toons may be idiotic, but

we’re not stupid!

POV OVERHEAD

We LOOK DOWN on the proceedings from high in the rafters.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL we’re watching from the POV of Voltaire,

who’s perched on the top inventory rack.  Voltaire cleans his

fingernails, casually.

ROGER RABBIT

Yes, justice, Judge Doom.  The real

meaning of the word probably hits you

like a ton of bricks!

Voltaire calmly nudges an Acme Ton-Of-Bricks off the shelf.

CLOSE – ROGER

He never sees it coming.  SMASH!  The bricks land on his head

and bury him.  The only thing we can see of Roger is his hand

with the gun in it.

DOOM

Well, this is turning out better than

I thought.

Doom picks the gun up.  The Weasles drag Roger out from under

the bricks.  Big bright stars are circling his head.

ROGER RABBIT

(delirious)

Look, stars!  Ready when you are,

Raoul.

Valiant shakes his head, but Jessica starts to laugh.

JESSICA RABBIT

I have missed you, Roger.

DOOM

Tie the lovebirds together.

The Weasles twirl Toon rope around Roger and Jessica like a

cocoon.  They hook them on a power winch.  Then hit a button

and raise Roger and Jessica until they’re suspended fifteen

feet above the floor… right in the path of the Dipmobile.

Doom hands Valiant’s gun to the head Weasle.

DOOM

(continuing)

Let him watch his Toon friends get

dipped…  then shoot him.

Doom turns and starts to walk away.

ANGLE ON GROUND

He steps on a Toon banana peel and goes flat on his keester.

THE WEASLES

always quick with a laugh, BREAK UP at their boss’

misfortune.  The one guarding Eddie is so overcome with

LAUGHTER that he’s slapping his thigh with his gun hand.

Valiant sees his opportunity.  He starts to make a move

toward the distracted Weasle and almost gets his hands on the

gun when:

DOOM

Watch out, you idiot… he’s going for

the gun!

The Weasle turns at the last second, sticking the barrel up

against Valiant’s nose.  Doom gets to his feet.  He glowers

at the Weasle and knocks him on the head with the gavel head

of his cane.  Doom stalks out of the room.

The Weasles scramble to positions on the Dipmobile.  One

FIRES UP the ENGINE.

The streetcleaner brushes start to turn.  The vehicle starts

to creep forward.

Another Weasle climbs into the turret.  He puts Roger and

Jessica in the crosshairs of the cannon.

Beads of sweat break out on Valiant’s face.

The Weasle, WHEEZING with evil glee, starts to press his

finger to the trigger.

ROGER RABBIT

You guys think this is real funny,

doncha?

(to Valiant)

Eddie, do somethin’!

At the last second, Eddie shouts at the Weasle.

VALIANT

Hey!

The Weasle turns to him.

VALIANT

(continuing)

Before you pull the trigger, I want you

to know somethin’ about the guy you’re

about to dip.

Suddenly, Eddie breaks into the “Looney Tooney Song”.  The

song Roger had sung in the bar.  The silly voice that comes

out of his mouth surprises everybody, especially Roger.

VALIANT

(continuing;

sings)

‘His name is Roger Rabbit

He’s got a crazy habit…’

Valiant starts skulking across the floor.  It’s a cross

between Groucho Marx and a Chuck Berry Duck Walk.

VALIANT

(continuing;

sings)

‘He likes to sing and dance and yuk

So brighten up and smile you

schmuck…’

Valiant starts “hoo-hooing”, slapping himself in the

forehead.  Now the Weasles start GIGGLING.  They’ve never

seen a human do this before.

VALIANT

‘Now my name’s Eddie V

I’m looney too you’ll see’

Valiant flips into a handstand and starts walking on his

hands.

VALIANT

(continuing)

‘I walk with my hands

And I shake with my feet…’

He offers his foot to a Weasle who shakes it.  The others

HOWL.  Eddie flips upright and grabs a stick of Acme

dynamite.

VALIANT

(continuing)

‘I think dynamite

Is swell to eat’.

Eddie takes a bite out of the Toon dynamite and acts like

he’s savoring it.  The spectacle of this human doing this is

too much to bear.  Now the Weasles are rolling on the ground,

holding their sides.

JESSICA RABBIT

He’s lost his mind!

ROGER RABBIT

Yeah, isn’t it great?  Keep it up,

Eddie… you’re killing ’em, you’re

slayin’ ’em, you’re knockin’ ’em dead.

Roger means it.  The Weasles are laughing so hard they’re

giving themselves heart attacks.  Valiant spins around on the

floor like a clock dial gone berserk.

VALIANT

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo…

One by one, the Weasles keel over… dead.  Opaque WEASLE

SPIRITS leave their bodies with wings and harps, and float

heavenward, still laughing.

VOLTAIRE

alarmed at the scene below, grabs a brick and flaps toward

the ceiling.  He throws the brick through the skylight and

flies out.

VOLTAIRE

Doom!  Doom!

ON THE DIPMOBILE

The Weasle on the turret collapses onto the trigger.  The

unmanned dip cannon starts spraying, as the arm sweeps

slowly back and forth like an, automatic lawn sprinkler.

VALIANT

hitches a ride on the last ascending Weasle Spirit, letting

it hoist him to the top of the truck.  As he moves the Weasle

body off the trigger…

VOLTAIRE

CRASHES back through the skylight and swoops down on Eddie.

He sinks his talons into Eddie’s back and lifts him into the

air.

As Valiant is being pulled skyward he reaches for something

along the wall of inventory.  He grabs a handful of Acme

Small Pills and jams a couple dowm the buzzard’s mouth.

Instantly, Voltaire starts to shrink.  As he gets smaller, he

can no longer hold Eddie up.  They both descend as Voltaire

shrinks to the size of a chick.

The sprayer is swinging back towards Roger and Jessica.  At

the last second, Valiant reaches up and blocks it.  It swings

back the other way.

As Valiant scrambles up on the vehicle to turn it off,

Voltaire has found a box of Acme Big Pills.  He pecks into

it… and after a beat, EXPLODES out of the box.  He’s now

three times the size he was before.  Voltaire flaps in for

the kill.

Valiant reaches the turret just in time to swing the cannon

around.  The spray of dip blasts one of Voltaire’s wings off.

He spins earthward like a flaming Messerschmidt, finally

landing in the dip vat and dissolving into a black pool.

Doom arrives just in time to see his pet bird dissolved.

Angrily, he steps onto a giant Acme Mousetrap.  He uses a

piece of Acme cheese to spring it, catapulting him through

the air.

Just as Valiant is about to turn off the dip cannon, Doom

lands on the truck.  He knocks Eddie off the turret with a

flying tackle.  They both hit the floor.

Doom gets up, leaving Eddie stunned.  He sprints to where the

Weasle had dropped Eddie’s pistol.  Finally Eddie shakes it

off.  He sees Doom about to reach the gun.  He straps on a

pair of Acme Rocket Skates, fires them up and shoots across

the floor.  He knocks Doom into a stack of Acme boxes,

toppling the whole shelf down on top of him.

As the sprayer swings back toward Roger and Jessica, they

have their last moment together.

JESSICA RABBIT

Roger, I want you to know I love you.

I loved you more than any woman has

ever loved a rabbit.

ROGER RABBIT

Be comforted in the knowledge that as

we face the Grim Dipper, our paint will

be comingled for eternity.

They both close their eyes, waiting for the end.  But it

never cames.  The truck runs up on some boxes and the sprayer

arm swings back the other way.

Doom grabs an Acme slingshot, loads an Acme boulder and fires

it at Valiant.  BLAM!  It whacks Valiant on the head, laying

him out cold in front of the Cloverleaf steamroller,

Doom climbs into the steamroller and starts it up.  He puts

it into gear and starts it rolling toward Valiant.

Valiant comes around to see the huge roller bearing down on

him.  At the last second, Valiant rolls out of the way and

grabs an Acme boxing glove.  It accordians out and smashes

Doom in the face.  He goes flying out of the driver’s seat,

turning the wheel as he falls.  The steamroller starts to

turn in circles.

Valiant jumps Doom.  But Doom is stronger.  He throws Valiant

off and starts whacking him with his fist.  He pummels

Valiant backward toward the drum of the steamroller.  Valiant

grabs the nearest thing for defense.  It’s a can of Acme

Stay-Put Adhesive.  He whips it up in front of his face.

Doom puts his fist right through it, covering his hand with

glue.  He smiles at Valiant and hauls off again.  Valiant

ducks.  Doom’s fist strikes the top of the drum of the

steamroller.  Frantically he tries to pull it off.  But it

“Stays-Put”.  The roller starts to suck his fist down and

under.

DOOM

Nooooo!

Jessica and Roger avert their eyes as the steamroller crushes

Doom.

Valiant breathes a sigh of relief.  He starts for the dip

truck as the cannon swings back toward Roger and Jessica.

But neither of them are watching the cannon.  Their eyes are

fixed on the ground behind the steamroller.

ANGLE ON GROUND

There isn’t the messy pile of blood and guts you’d expect to

see if a human got run over.  Instead, we see that Judge

Doom’s remains have rolled out like a flat black pancake.

After a beat, an edge curls up with a CREAK.  Now the whole

shape peels off the floor and wobbles to it’s feet. REVEALING

DOOM IS A TOON.

ROGER RABBIT

Eddie, look out!

VALIANT

turns to see Doom stick his flattened thumb in his mouth.  He

blows, re-inflating himself.  His glasses CRACK and fall off.

Then his prosthetic eyeballs pop out.  His teeth shatter and

fall out of his mouth like china.  Underneath his latex mask

we can see his Toon mouth and evil red Toon eyes.

VALIANT

Holy shit, he’s a Toon!

DOOM

Surprised?

VALIANT

Not really.  Only a Toon could think of

something as goofy as that freeway

idea.

Doom takes the black rubber gloves off, REVEALING red hands

with long fingernails.  He makes his fist into an anvil and

advances on Valiant.

DOOM

Is that so?  Well, we’ll see who’s the

goofy one.

BLAM!  From ten feet away, he smashes Valiant with a

bone-crushing punch.  Valiant staggers backwards.

DOOM

(continuing)

By the way, when I killed your brother,

Teddy, I used to talk just like this.

Doom spesks in a Toony high-pitched squeak.  Valiant

recognizes him now.

VALIANT

You?

DOOM

That’s right, me.

BLAM!  Doom hammers Valiant again.  He’s defenseless against

Doom’s super human strength.  BLAM!  Valiant goes

sprawling to the ground.  Now Doom’s hand turns into a

buzzsaw.  He goes to administer the coup de grace.

DOOM

(continuing)

Now Eddie’s gonna be deady, just like

Teddy.

With his last ounce of strength, Valiant grabs the Acme

Boxing Glove.  He pops it.  The glove extends across the

room, punching the release lever on the dip truck.

CLOSE – VALVE

A flood of dip gushes out of the valve and rolls toward Doom

like a wave.

DOOM

SCREAMS as the torrent hits him with a CRASH.  But there’s no

escape for him this time.  The flood of liquid envelopes him

at the ankles.  He dissolves into it like a melting candle.

THE DIPMOBILE

continues forward inexorably.  The arm is swinging towards

Roger and Jessica.  It gets closer and closer…

Valiant tries to get to the truck, but it’s too late.  The

cannon has reached them.

CLOSE – ROGER AND JESSICA

They close their eyes, preparing to meet their Maker.  But

nothing happens.

The spray of the cannon suddenly peters out.  It dries up in

a harmless drip as the tank has completely emptied.

Valiant gets to the controls of the power winch.  He hoists

Roger and Jessica up out of the way.  The Dipmobile passes

harmlessly underneath them and SMASHES through the brick

wall.

TOONTOWN

is REVEALED in all its splendor.  It’s a bucolic setting.  A

rainbow shares the blue sky with a smiling sun.  Fawns and

butterflies, chipmunks and flowers watch curiously as the dip

truck rolls past.  Suddenly it’s lifted off the ground.  We

see it’s resting on the top of a TOON GIANT’s head.  This

Giant plucks the truck off his head, regards it, then pops it

in his mouth.

VALIANT

lowers Roger and Jessica to the ground.  We HEAR POLICE

SIRENS approach.  When Valiant unties them, Jessica turns and

exclaims…

JESSICA RABBIT

My hero!

Then she hugs Roger passionately.  Valiant can only shrug.

THROUGH THE WALL – TOONS

start coming in.  They look around at the scene, bewildered,

then gather around Doom’s robe, mask and shoes lying in the

puddle of dip.  There’s a reddish slick floating on top.

Valiant wanders over and joins them.

VALIANT

Hi-ho, the Doom is dead.

ANGLE ON DOOR

Dolores, Lt. Santino, and several other COPS rush in, guns

drawn.  Dolores runs to Eddie and puts her arms around him.

Santino looks down at the remains on the floor.

LT. SANTINO

What the hell is that?

VALIANT

Doom.

LT. SANTINO

Jesus Christ… that was the Judge?

Valiant takes the paint chip out of his pocket.  He puts it

up against the red slime on the robe.  It’s a match.

VALIANT

That was the murderer of Herman Acme,

Maroon… and my brother.

Dolores looks down at the front of Valiant’s shirt.  A dark

stain is appearing.

DOLORES

Eddie, we better get you to hospital.

You’re bleedin’.

Valiant looks down at the stain.

VALIANT

That’s not blood.  That’s ink.  That

goof Acme squirted me with some the

other day.  Why it’s comin’ ‘through

now, I don’t know.

ROGER RABBIT

That’s because it’s

Disappearing-Reappearing Ink.  Shows up

three days later.  Gives you enough

time to get away from the victim so he

doesn’t punch you in the nose.  Great

gag.

VALIANT

Yeah…

DOLORES

I’ll treat you to a new shirt.  After

all, you did save Toontown.

JESSICA RABBIT

Problem is without Marvin’s will, the

land still goes to Cloverleaf.

ROGER RABBIT

That’s right.  If only we knew what

happened to that will…

Valiant looks up from his shirt.

VALIANT

Say Roger, remember that love letter

you wrote your wife at the Ink & Paint

Club?

ROGER RABBIT

Yeah?

VALIANT

I think you oughta read it to her.

ROGER RABBIT

Good idea.

He reaches in his pocket, pulls out the paper and clears his

throat.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing;

reads)

Dear Jessy… How do I love thee?  Let

me count the… I, Marvin Acme, of

sound mind and body… Hey?

CLOSE – PAPER

The Disappearing-Reappearing Ink is coming up over Roger’s

scribbling.

VALIANT

Keep reading…

ROGER RABBIT

(reads)

Hey, it’s the will.  I, Marvin Acme, of

sound mind and body, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo,

do hereby bequeath in perpetuity the

property known as Toontown to those

loveable characters…

PAN the Toon crowd, who are listening to the reading of the

will.  It is a gallery of recognizable faces.  Everyone from

Mickey to Bugs, Yakky Doodle to Yosemite Sam, Dumbo to Dopey,

Bambi to Droopy, Tweety Bird to Tinkerbell.  They’re all

there.

ROGER RABBIT

(continuing)

… who have given me and the rest of

humanity so much mirth and merriment…

the Toons.

The Toon crowd erupts with a CHEER!  Hats go in the air and

they descend on Roger, slapping his back.  Roger breaks away

from the crowd and joins Eddie.

TWO SHOT – EDDIE AND ROGER

They stand side by side, looking out over Toontown.

ROGER RABBIT

Well, Eddie, you still think I’m a

patsy, a simp, a chump?

Eddie wipes the spit off his face.

VALIANT

No, kid, you’re a real hero.

ROGER RABBIT

I guess I am at that.  Cigar?

Roger holds out a large stogie.

VALIANT

Why not?

Roger lights Eddie’s and one for himself.

VALIANT

(continuing)

By the way, Roger, you were right about

your wife.  She’s a good lady.  I’m

glad you got her back.

ROGER RABBIT

And I’m glad you got your sense of

humor back.  Think you’ll keep it?

VALIANT

Only time will tell.

Valiant puffs on the cigar.

VALIANT

(continuing)

Pretty good cigar.  Where’d you get it?

ROGER RABBIT

From this box here…

Valiant glances down.  The box says, “Acme Exploding Cigars”.

He looks to Roger, but it’s too late.  KABOOM!  KABOOM!

Their cigars blow up in classic Toon tradition, blackening

both their faces.  Roger starts laughing.  Eddie stares at

Roger for a moment, then he starts laughing too.  They throw

their heads back in a HOWL.  The other Toons join in.  Pretty

soon the whole factory is shaking with LAUGHTER.

A TOON COP

dressed in blue uniform and hat with his back to us tries to

restore order in the Acme factory.  As soon as he talks, we

recognize the stutter.  It’s PORKY PIG.

PORKY PIG

O-k-k-k, mmmove along.  There’s

nnnothin’ else to see.  T-t-that’s it.

T-t-that’s all, folks.

(turns to

CAMERA)

Hmm, I l-l-like the sound of that.

Then, savoring the phrase, Porky stutters out the famous

sign-off.

PORKY PIG

(continuing)

Eee-ba-da, eee-ba-da… t-t-that’s all,

folks!

CARTOON MUSIC UP.

IRIS OUT.

THE END


 


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